Welcome to Stay-at-Home Widow!
Sept. 2, 2026

I Can't Remember Sh*t: Let's Talk About Widow Fog

Episode 2: I Can’t Remember Shit: Let’s Talk About Widow Fog ***Community Care Note*** This episode contains frank discussions of grief, the death of a spouse/partner, memory loss, difficulty with daily functioning, hygiene, and emotional...

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Society & Culture Personal Journals Relationships

(00:00:00) I Can't Remember Sh*t: Let's Talk About Widow Fog
(00:00:38) Introductions
(00:06:11) Check-In & Debrief from Episode 1
(00:22:45) What Is Widow Fog?
(00:39:21) Hygiene, Time Blindness & Losing Our Sense of Direction
(00:41:53) Learning to Give Ourselves Grace
(00:49:10) How Our Pets Help Us Remember & Maintain Routine
(00:59:21) Finding Healthier Ways to Cope
(00:59:59) 59:59 – Rebuilding Through the Podcast
(01:05:31) Closing Thoughts & Building a Grief Community

Episode 2: I Can’t Remember Shit: Let’s Talk About Widow Fog

***Community Care Note***

This episode contains frank discussions of grief, the death of a spouse/partner, memory loss, difficulty with daily functioning, hygiene, and emotional vulnerability. Please take care of yourself while listening and engage in whatever way feels safest for you.

Welcome to Stay-at-Home Widow, the podcast where two lifelong friends talk about rebuilding ourselves after the sudden and unexpected deaths of our husbands, and maneuvering the f*ckery of grief.

We are Sharmane Fury and LaVonna, lifelong friends who became widows just 11 months apart. Rooted in the experiences of Black and Brown women, this is our space to talk honestly about widowhood, identity, loneliness, anger, memory, laughter, survival, rebuilding, and the strange, messy, tender, sometimes absurd parts of grief.

**New episodes on the first Wednesday of every month.**

Episode 2: I Can’t Remember Shit: Let’s Talk About Widow Fog

We had never heard of **widow fog** until after we became widows.

This month, we are talking about grief's impact on memory, focus, and brain clarity. First, we check in after releasing our first episode and talk about what it felt like to put such a vulnerable conversation into the world. LaVonna reflects on how the experience has **cracked her open** and pushed her to share parts of herself she usually keeps guarded. Sharmane talks about feeling like she **cannot put the cork back in the bottle anymore**, and that grief now comes out whether she intends for it to or not.

Then we get into widow fog.

Neither of us expected grief to affect our brains the way it has. We talk about forgetting appointments, losing track of what day it is, walking into rooms and forgetting why, missing plans, forgetting people, struggling with directions, experiencing time blindness, and constantly feeling like there is something you are supposed to remember without knowing what the hell it is.

Widow fog does not care how important something is.

We talk about what happens when your memory used to be something you could depend on and suddenly it isn't. Sharmane shares how she now relies on phone alarms, routines, notes, alliteration, and AirTags. LaVonna talks about losing her sense of direction, using her plants to help maintain routine, and how her dog Osiris became an unexpected reminder system.

We also get real about how grief can disrupt the basic shit nobody talks about enough: showering, eating, brushing your teeth, feeding your pets, keeping appointments, maintaining your home, remembering people you love, and doing ordinary things that once happened automatically.

Along the way, we share coping tools we have created for ourselves, including alarms, notes, repetitive routines, accountability check-ins, visual communication, pets who refuse to let us forget dinner, and learning to ask for and accept help. And we talk about giving ourselves **grace** when those systems still fail. If you have ever thought, *What the fuck is wrong with my brain?*, this conversation is for you. Sometimes, it really is just the fog.
Chapters
00:38 – Introductions 06:11 – Check-In & Debrief from Episode 1
22:45 – What Is Widow Fog?
39:21 – Hygiene, Time Blindness & Losing Our Sense of Direction
41:53 – Learning to Give Ourselves Grace
49:10 – How Our Pets Help Us Remember & Maintain Routine
59:21 – Finding Healthier Ways to Cope
59:59 – Rebuilding Through the Podcast
1:05:31 – Closing Thoughts & Building a Grief Community
Disclaimer: Sharmane and LaVonna are widows speaking from their own lived experiences. They are not therapists, medical professionals, life coaches, or grief experts. Nothing discussed on the show should be taken as universal advice or a substitute for professional support.

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Stay-at-Home Widow is a monthly podcast about widowhood, grief, friendship, identity, and rebuilding life after the death of a spouse.New episodes on the first Wednesday of every month.

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WEBVTT

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Hello, welcome to Stay at Home Widow, the podcast where

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two lifelong friends talk about rebuilding our lives after the

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sudden and unexpected deaths of our husbands and maneuvering the

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fuckery of grief. We are Charmaine and LaVonna. And before

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we get started, I have a little disclaimer. I feel

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like I need to say every episode just in case.

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We are widows speaking from our own lived experiences. We

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are not therapists, life coaches, medical professionals, or grief experts.

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Anything that sounds like advice is simply us sharing what

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has worked for us and what has not worked for

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us and what we are still learning. Everyone's grief is

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different and nothing we say is meant to be taken

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for absolute fact for every grief experience. Hello, everybody. Last week,

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we dropped our first episode of Stay at Home Widow,

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which was actually recorded two months ago. Oops, sorry that

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I took so long to get through that edit. Totally fine.

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But we are planning to release one episode a month

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on the first Wednesday of every month. And last week,

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we dropped that first episode to kind of introduce what

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we're doing and actually just kind of get a feel

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for it ourselves. For those of you that don't know us,

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I am Charmaine Fury. I am a podcaster. I've been

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a podcaster since 2018. My first show Militantly Mixed was

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an award-winning show, and I just recently retired it in August,

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this August of 2026. And I'm just ready to kind

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of focus more in what's kind of happening in my

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life now, which is grief and being a widow. And

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LaVonna and I have been friends since we were 10

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and 11. And LaVonna, you didn't get to introduce yourself

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last time because I just talked us right into our conversation.

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So why don't you tell everybody a little bit about yourself?

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Sure. Literally just a little bit. Um, my name is

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LaVonna Radford.

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I am on social media as the Vaughniverse on my

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TikToks and on my social medias. Uh, I lost my

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husband almost two years ago. Um, like Charmaine said, we've

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been friends for a very long time. Um, grief has

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kind of brought us together in a very interesting way. Um,

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my background work wise is more like I work with children.

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I will work with social services. I work with insurance.

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Um, those things impact my grief experience greatly.

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I'm a mother, a.

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Bunch of other demographics, but mostly really here to let

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what's inside of me come out of me. Yeah.

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LaVonna, Vaughniverse.

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We're trying to unstick ourselves, which is a part of

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a conversation that we've had a few times now in

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our grief that we're both very creative people. We're usually

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fairly active people. We don't really have gaps in our

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professional lives very much either. And now that we're going

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through what we're going through, we're kind of both experiencing

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a dimming of creativity or at least a difficulty getting there,

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gaps in our professional work as well. And I really

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believe that if I use Militantly Mixed as a model,

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of why I started it and what it did for

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me over the last eight years. I feel like that

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is a possibility here for a stay at home widow

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for both of us. I started militantly mixed because I

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lacked mixed community as an adult, which was so weird

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to me because I have two biracial parents. All my

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aunts and uncles are mixed. All my cousins are mixed.

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And we also grew up around military families. So everybody,

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everybody was mixed.

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Yeah.

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And, um, And so like Sean Bay and I used

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to talk about that all the time on Blurred Comics.

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We're just like, man, we only pretty much knew mixed

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people growing up. And then all of a sudden, you know,

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we're adults and where are they? So I started that

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show just to kind of meet mixed friends and shit.

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And eight years later, it's an award-winning podcast. I have

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a global network of cousins. I have literally visited people

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that I've met on the show in the UK and

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in Korea and And I have had other trips planned

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into the countries. Some haven't happened yet, but will have

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met people all over the country. And so I have

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like a really strong foundation of community and mixedness now

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that I didn't have before I started that show. And

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not only was it helpful to me and everything I

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was going through at the time I started, it has spread.

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Other people are affected by it. even especially since I

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retired it, a lot of the messages I've been receiving

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is about how it helped them over the years and

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how they can take what they heard, what they learned and,

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and push that forward in their lives. So, I mean, honestly, again, selfishly,

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I'm wanting to do this to recreate what I did

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in my life for mixedness with grief and what it's

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like to, to experience, um, partner loss in particular, although,

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and we're going to, we're going to get into part

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of this as part of our opening topic. I really

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believe that while we are coming at the show as widows,

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what we're going to talk about is going to have

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applications for other grievers. And I've already heard comments. And

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I think you have two of people who've said like,

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you know, I didn't lose a partner, but you know,

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stuff that you guys talked about last week.

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Yeah.

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So on this first episode, I think we wanted to

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kind of start off checking in and debriefing on our

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experience of the last week because we recorded that two

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months ago. It took so long for me to get

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through the edit, I think, because I was approaching it

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like a regular ass podcast and not realizing like the

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extra emotional difficulty is literally watching me grieve while trying

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to cut it. And that was... no, that didn't work.

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I was also trying to edit during the day and

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for some reason that wasn't working. So once I finally

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did it, it was kind of really late at night

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when no one was outside. I couldn't hear people walking

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around and I really was able to push through it

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and we were able to finally release it last week.

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So this being your first foray into podcasting and you're

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jumping in on a very emotional and vulnerable topic, uh,

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what has it been like for you since the release,

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both like you releasing and seeing it happen, but, but

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also the reception that you've received from it?

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Um, the release of it was kind of like, it

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made me curious. I'm like, Oh, okay.

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So that's what that's like to put your feelings out

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there in front of everyone to experience like a real

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vulnerability challenge.

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Yeah.

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Um, I wasn't as afraid as I thought I would be,

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but I don't really like inviting people into my heart

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and feelings like that. But this experience cracked me open

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with nowhere really to go. And so I'm literally being brave.

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Like there's no other way to put it. So I'm

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being brave. Like I'm actively choosing bravery.

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That's funny because I view it completely different. I completely

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feel like it's not brave. It's just can't, I can't

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cork the bottle. So for me, I don't feel like

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I'm being brave. I just feel like I'm being a

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bitch that can't keep it back in my face. Do

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you remember that cartoon? The, like the black cop that

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has a tear and then he like sucks it back

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up into his eye.

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I don't know what that's from, but I know, I

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know what you're talking about.

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Like, don't you dare get your back up there.

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That's my whole vibe. Like it's always been my thing. And, um,

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podcasting had already kind of cracked me open in terms

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of being a little bit more vulnerable and a little

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bit more accessible, I guess. But this is a different

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fucking story. Like I don't want to tell all those people,

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I don't want to tell all this shit to people.

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And yet I don't, it just fucking comes out. Like

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sometimes I have to, yeah, you have to, I was,

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I didn't tell you this yet, but I, I, a

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couple of weeks ago I was at, uh, I go

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to the Seattle rain games. I'm, I'm a, a season

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ticket holder. And, uh, the, the guy who normally sits

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to my right, he was in Iceland. So his sister

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and his niece took his seats that time. And so,

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you know, we interacted a little bit. I discovered that

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it was, um, his sister and stuff. And, and he's

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the one I chat with. I don't chat with the

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people on this side. I I, by the end of

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the day, you know, I knew they were the guy's

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sister and stuff like that. And so at one point

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she goes, why do you, why do you come here

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on your own? Like what makes you leave the house?

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Like what makes you come to a football game and

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sit pitch side by yourself? And I was like, and

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this is literally how I talk now. I'm just like, well,

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my husband's dead and I need to get out of

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the house. Like that's my situation now. And I don't

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have a better way to say it. And I'm not

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really comfortable sugarcoating it forever. other people because I'm suffering

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this shit. So I was like, yeah, my husband's dead

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and I got, you know, I need to get out

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of my house. And she's like, and then she goes, oh, wait,

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me too.

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Oh, she says me too?

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Yeah, like she had just lost her husband in the

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last like four months or so.

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What?

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And and she but she's like she hadn't heard anyone

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say that. So direct. Yeah. Like it wasn't just like, oh,

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my husband passed or whatever.

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That's the heart thing. That's that heart. Your husband's side.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And I was just like, my husband's dead and I

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need to get out the house. So and she was like, wow.

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And she's like, well, is this hard for you to

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get out? I'm like, no. I mean, I always was

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a solo singer. activities person. Tristan didn't leave the house

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very often. He was always philosophizing in his head, sitting

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in his special chair and stuff. I traveled by myself

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a lot. I go to the movies by myself. I'll

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take myself out to dinner and stuff. I didn't realize

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people struggled with going outside by themselves. I didn't know

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that that was a thing. I don't know why I

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didn't know it, but I really started to learn it

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because everybody keeps telling me I'm fucking brave for doing

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that shit. I'm like, I don't think I'm brave I

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think it just happens she took it as like an

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inspiration for her she said you know what I do

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you know I'm always trying to wait until someone's available

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00:11:23.220 --> 00:11:26.580
to go do stuff with and I'm like I'm like

201
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:29.580
however much time you have left you're not always gonna

202
00:11:29.639 --> 00:11:31.970
find a person to go someplace with you or do

203
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:33.950
something with you and you can't just stay in the

204
00:11:33.970 --> 00:11:36.269
house I mean I've been just staying in the house

205
00:11:37.710 --> 00:11:39.330
I know that I can't just stay in the house

206
00:11:39.350 --> 00:11:42.240
so I have to do things like buy fucking season tickets,

207
00:11:43.539 --> 00:11:46.950
you know, I gotta go, I gotta go outside. It

208
00:11:46.990 --> 00:11:50.129
was not cheap. So, um, we had this little conversation

209
00:11:50.210 --> 00:11:54.090
afterwards where she was like, okay, all right. I'll just

210
00:11:54.110 --> 00:11:54.870
have to go.

211
00:11:55.210 --> 00:11:56.850
But that's the point, right?

212
00:11:57.649 --> 00:12:01.440
You met her at that four month mark and she's,

213
00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:04.500
she's meeting you at a further mark and she's seeing

214
00:12:04.779 --> 00:12:05.679
your reaction.

215
00:12:05.779 --> 00:12:08.220
And then that's like, okay, that's a possibility for me.

216
00:12:08.710 --> 00:12:11.309
So whatever's in her world that won't let her go

217
00:12:11.370 --> 00:12:15.389
there and be that direct, you just inadvertently gave her permission.

218
00:12:15.409 --> 00:12:19.419
Yeah, I didn't think about that, but that's right. She

219
00:12:19.500 --> 00:12:21.240
was in a place where she couldn't even see the

220
00:12:21.279 --> 00:12:25.000
possibility of being out and about by herself, which is

221
00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:26.720
crazy to me because, like, don't you go to the

222
00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:29.690
grocery store by yourself? Like, haven't you always had to

223
00:12:29.730 --> 00:12:32.929
do some things by yourself? And I'm learning a lot

224
00:12:32.950 --> 00:12:36.370
of people don't do stuff by themselves, so... I think, yeah,

225
00:12:36.389 --> 00:12:38.740
you're probably right. I caught her at a, at a

226
00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:43.379
time where it's like, it's funny cause she's 30 years

227
00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:46.059
older than me. And here I was the elder in

228
00:12:46.139 --> 00:12:50.590
the situation and like giving her tips and pointers on

229
00:12:50.620 --> 00:12:52.389
like how to maneuver and stuff.

230
00:12:52.450 --> 00:12:56.909
This experience does that. It challenges typical hierarchy.

231
00:12:56.929 --> 00:12:57.169
Yeah.

232
00:12:57.809 --> 00:13:02.759
It's very strange. Um, Yeah. So that was that was

233
00:13:02.860 --> 00:13:05.379
one that happened yesterday or a couple weeks ago. And

234
00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:08.860
then yesterday I was at this travel agent thing because

235
00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:12.659
that's what I do outside of podcasting. And same thing.

236
00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:14.639
Everybody's like, you know, well, why are you what do

237
00:13:14.659 --> 00:13:16.279
you do? Why are you getting into this? I'm like, well,

238
00:13:16.370 --> 00:13:19.149
I'm a podcaster and I do the travel stuff. And

239
00:13:19.230 --> 00:13:20.490
they're like, oh, what's your podcast?

240
00:13:21.149 --> 00:13:22.710
Well, yeah. drop it.

241
00:13:25.149 --> 00:13:27.389
It's called stay at home widow i know that sounds

242
00:13:27.429 --> 00:13:31.090
like a blast but yeah um and so you know

243
00:13:31.230 --> 00:13:32.830
we got in a couple of us gotten into a

244
00:13:32.850 --> 00:13:34.909
conversation about that too and there was someone who had

245
00:13:34.950 --> 00:13:38.750
lost a partner um a while back as well not

246
00:13:39.409 --> 00:13:41.470
a marriage but still as as far as i'm concerned

247
00:13:41.509 --> 00:13:44.129
it counts they lost they lost a partner so you

248
00:13:44.149 --> 00:13:46.549
know sometimes it is just these weird ass conversations that

249
00:13:47.669 --> 00:13:50.250
i just have in public because someone asks me a

250
00:13:50.289 --> 00:13:54.860
question and i don't have the ability to conjure up

251
00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:57.600
the bullshit answer anymore. Like I used to be able

252
00:13:57.659 --> 00:14:00.620
that cracked open thing. I think that you say that's,

253
00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:04.259
I think that's the right, I think that's the right

254
00:14:04.279 --> 00:14:09.450
way to say it. For me, it was, of course

255
00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:12.110
I edited it. So I first had to watch us cry.

256
00:14:12.129 --> 00:14:16.509
I can't believe that. No, I can't believe that. Two months. Bravo.

257
00:14:16.529 --> 00:14:17.830
That's why it took me two months.

258
00:14:18.289 --> 00:14:18.529
Yeah.

259
00:14:18.549 --> 00:14:18.710
Yeah.

260
00:14:19.179 --> 00:14:21.740
I think it'll be easier now that, you know, it's happened.

261
00:14:21.779 --> 00:14:24.019
Like the bandaid finally got ripped off, but you know,

262
00:14:24.220 --> 00:14:27.100
initially I was like, fuck, I cannot get through this.

263
00:14:27.179 --> 00:14:29.950
And I had so many starts and stops, you know,

264
00:14:30.490 --> 00:14:33.389
until that night. And then I, I just, I told myself,

265
00:14:33.409 --> 00:14:34.909
don't go to bed until you get it done. Cause

266
00:14:34.929 --> 00:14:36.669
you'll never get it done. And so that's why I

267
00:14:36.710 --> 00:14:42.090
was able to push through finally. But I think maybe

268
00:14:42.149 --> 00:14:45.200
because I'm already a podcaster, maybe because I know I,

269
00:14:48.220 --> 00:14:51.960
I know people have had to see me be emotional now.

270
00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:55.000
It might just have gotten a little bit easier once

271
00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:59.220
it got released. Okay. But I was still nervous about thinking, okay,

272
00:15:01.899 --> 00:15:04.759
I don't know how to describe this. I am both

273
00:15:05.580 --> 00:15:08.860
not giving a fuck what people's thoughts about my grief is.

274
00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:12.259
And at the same time, concerned that they're not going

275
00:15:12.279 --> 00:15:16.600
to see the reason I'm doing things. So I'm not

276
00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:18.700
putting my grief out there on French street because I

277
00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:21.679
want people to be like, Oh, Charmaine. Cause actually that

278
00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.259
shit makes me uncomfortable. And I almost immediately have to

279
00:15:24.299 --> 00:15:26.820
be like, please don't. I don't like that. It makes

280
00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:31.070
me uncomfortable. But I, I guess I had a little

281
00:15:31.090 --> 00:15:33.330
bit of worry that people were going to be like, bro,

282
00:15:33.710 --> 00:15:36.909
what are you doing? Talking about, you know, Tristan and

283
00:15:36.970 --> 00:15:40.690
crying on camera and stuff. But like, I do this

284
00:15:40.750 --> 00:15:44.500
other show with my friends, like reviewing TV shows and,

285
00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:47.080
I fucking cried today. Cause we were talking about dark

286
00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:50.840
matter and that subject matter is Tristan's profession.

287
00:15:51.259 --> 00:15:51.700
Yeah.

288
00:15:51.779 --> 00:15:54.879
So I'm sitting here being sad because I can't watch

289
00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:59.129
it with him. So, you know, again, cracked open, can't

290
00:15:59.169 --> 00:16:01.370
put the cork back in the bottle. Like you're going

291
00:16:01.389 --> 00:16:02.429
to get these tears.

292
00:16:02.409 --> 00:16:04.230
Everywhere you go. You know what I say? I say

293
00:16:04.250 --> 00:16:07.029
to people, I say, I'll cry on you. Yeah.

294
00:16:07.049 --> 00:16:07.970
You did say that last time.

295
00:16:08.029 --> 00:16:11.889
I'll cry on you. Yeah. It's right there. It's always

296
00:16:11.970 --> 00:16:13.389
on the tip. Right. Right there.

297
00:16:13.409 --> 00:16:17.389
Yeah. So I think in the last couple of days,

298
00:16:18.049 --> 00:16:20.870
once I started seeing some of the responses and a

299
00:16:20.889 --> 00:16:23.070
couple of text messages that I got from people that

300
00:16:23.110 --> 00:16:26.409
I didn't know, check in on me when I'm not around,

301
00:16:26.429 --> 00:16:28.379
you know, like I have a couple of friends that

302
00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:32.600
aren't on social media anymore. And so I don't know

303
00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:36.220
how they know anything unless I remember to contact them.

304
00:16:36.259 --> 00:16:39.840
And I got a text message and someone had, I

305
00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:43.179
guess they had followed something. And so they were like, Hey,

306
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:47.860
So I heard everything you said and I did not

307
00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:51.350
realize it was like that for you, you know. So

308
00:16:51.710 --> 00:16:56.470
it's interesting. I definitely feel way better about it now

309
00:16:56.509 --> 00:16:58.950
that it's out and, you know, whatever.

310
00:16:59.669 --> 00:17:02.409
And can I tell you something? I got an unexpected gift.

311
00:17:03.809 --> 00:17:07.480
Even as a widow, there were two classmates of mine.

312
00:17:08.019 --> 00:17:10.220
Like I said, in my circle, I'm kind of one

313
00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:12.140
of the first to go through this. But there are

314
00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.359
some classmates that that I haven't seen since we graduated

315
00:17:15.380 --> 00:17:19.319
in 94. Wow. And so I don't have a path

316
00:17:19.400 --> 00:17:21.000
to bring my sad to them.

317
00:17:21.420 --> 00:17:22.019
Yeah. Yeah.

318
00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:25.730
And they reached out to me and thanked me and offered.

319
00:17:26.250 --> 00:17:28.789
And now it's like, okay, tribe. Yeah.

320
00:17:28.809 --> 00:17:30.970
Cause last time you said you, I was your first

321
00:17:31.009 --> 00:17:32.269
grief friend. Right.

322
00:17:32.390 --> 00:17:32.710
Right.

323
00:17:33.450 --> 00:17:36.940
So yeah, that's one crazy. I got, I got to, um,

324
00:17:39.869 --> 00:17:41.950
But also interesting, this is one of the things that

325
00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:44.309
I've experienced too, is that a lot of the close,

326
00:17:44.390 --> 00:17:50.700
close inner circle friends don't see them anymore, really. The

327
00:17:50.740 --> 00:17:53.019
people that started to show up in my life are

328
00:17:53.059 --> 00:17:58.650
these peripheral acquaintances slash friends that have grief too. And

329
00:17:58.670 --> 00:18:02.650
so they started coming out because they knew I was

330
00:18:02.769 --> 00:18:05.250
going to be in this desert of friendship because that's

331
00:18:05.269 --> 00:18:08.490
what they experienced. And it isn't all like, I don't

332
00:18:08.529 --> 00:18:13.430
know any other widows in my personal circle, really. But,

333
00:18:15.089 --> 00:18:18.990
you know, people who lost siblings or, you know, parents

334
00:18:19.069 --> 00:18:22.170
and shit like that. Those are the ones that still

335
00:18:22.210 --> 00:18:25.440
do the check-ins. So I need to learn from them

336
00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:30.140
because I'm not really good about doing the grief check-ins.

337
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:34.000
My scope, my bubble is still, I'm the griever. I

338
00:18:34.019 --> 00:18:37.569
have to work on that a little bit and hopefully... Right.

339
00:18:37.609 --> 00:18:42.250
Hopefully doing this show does that. Was there anything in

340
00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:47.700
the rewatch or reactions that you got that you were like, oh, shit,

341
00:18:47.740 --> 00:18:51.079
I wish I didn't say that or I wish I

342
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:51.960
said that a different way?

343
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:53.640
No, actually.

344
00:18:53.660 --> 00:18:55.519
No? That's good. No.

345
00:18:56.380 --> 00:18:58.460
There is something that I wanted to make sure I

346
00:18:58.519 --> 00:19:03.599
clarified that, like, for me, I'm the person that's super

347
00:19:03.779 --> 00:19:05.259
guarded about her feelings.

348
00:19:05.660 --> 00:19:05.880
Mm-hmm.

349
00:19:06.859 --> 00:19:08.759
I'm the one, like I said, I can bring happy.

350
00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:12.299
I can bring anger very well. I can do boisterousness

351
00:19:12.339 --> 00:19:15.990
very well. But sad and hurt, those are areas that

352
00:19:16.069 --> 00:19:20.890
I'm learning to get to. So I think I just always,

353
00:19:20.910 --> 00:19:23.490
I wanted to make clear when I rewatched it that

354
00:19:23.910 --> 00:19:26.569
my friends have been, my core close friends, and I'm

355
00:19:26.630 --> 00:19:29.549
talking a friend from when I was in Oakland to Sacramento,

356
00:19:30.430 --> 00:19:32.410
even in Phoenix, they were there for me.

357
00:19:32.609 --> 00:19:35.069
I just, I did not. You couldn't.

358
00:19:35.089 --> 00:19:37.819
I didn't. You couldn't put your set on them.

359
00:19:37.880 --> 00:19:40.880
Because think about how we're doing it now. It's like,

360
00:19:41.220 --> 00:19:44.440
do you catch someone during their lunch break? Do you

361
00:19:44.460 --> 00:19:46.609
catch them on their way to bed? Do you catch

362
00:19:46.670 --> 00:19:49.109
them in the morning during traffic? Like, when do I

363
00:19:49.150 --> 00:19:52.819
want to fuck up their shit you know what I

364
00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:55.339
mean but now it's like at least there's a place

365
00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:57.799
where I can say it all and it not be

366
00:19:57.940 --> 00:20:03.920
snippets and little you know slices in between our lives

367
00:20:03.960 --> 00:20:06.799
and then I hang up and it's like okay well

368
00:20:06.819 --> 00:20:08.519
I guess I'll go have a sandwich.

369
00:20:08.549 --> 00:20:12.390
Yeah, like that's my day done. What do I do now?

370
00:20:12.650 --> 00:20:15.710
I have one friend, we talked about it last week, Shay.

371
00:20:15.890 --> 00:20:19.130
She's the person that when I call both of us,

372
00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:20.920
when we call each other, the first question we ask

373
00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:24.000
is like, do you have, well, her question is, do

374
00:20:24.019 --> 00:20:27.140
you have the spoons right now from, you know, so

375
00:20:27.180 --> 00:20:30.119
that I know something emotional is about to come from her.

376
00:20:31.089 --> 00:20:35.230
And when I do it, I'll just be like, can

377
00:20:35.269 --> 00:20:37.490
I rant on you real quick? You know, and it's everything.

378
00:20:38.119 --> 00:20:41.200
And because she's the one who established that with me

379
00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:46.930
years ago, and I didn't realize how much I appreciated

380
00:20:46.970 --> 00:20:52.049
it until I really had some shit to rant on

381
00:20:52.109 --> 00:20:56.230
her for, you know. Not everybody has that. So it's

382
00:20:56.289 --> 00:20:58.700
really hard because there's no win for you, right? You

383
00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:00.920
either hit someone up and be like, hey, I have

384
00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:03.259
something really emotional. I need someone to talk to. Can

385
00:21:03.299 --> 00:21:06.849
you be that person? And they're cornered. even if they

386
00:21:06.890 --> 00:21:08.390
want to be there for you, it's like, Oh shit.

387
00:21:08.430 --> 00:21:12.019
Now where, where can I say no? Yeah.

388
00:21:12.059 --> 00:21:14.779
Like what can I do? You know, cause our grief

389
00:21:14.839 --> 00:21:16.230
is not one of those things where it's like, can I,

390
00:21:16.460 --> 00:21:19.200
you know, call me back at seven and you can

391
00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:21.579
grieve on me then. Right. Like that's not this.

392
00:21:22.380 --> 00:21:25.579
You can't schedule it. Yeah. Yeah. So I do have

393
00:21:25.619 --> 00:21:26.140
a friend.

394
00:21:25.960 --> 00:21:29.410
That took advantage of the randomness immediately after, and things

395
00:21:29.450 --> 00:21:31.150
are going to come to mind later because of our

396
00:21:31.190 --> 00:21:32.410
topic today.

397
00:21:32.509 --> 00:21:32.710
Yeah.

398
00:21:33.170 --> 00:21:33.569
The fog.

399
00:21:33.990 --> 00:21:34.170
Yeah.

400
00:21:34.490 --> 00:21:38.289
Um, But in the beginning, she used to send me,

401
00:21:38.410 --> 00:21:41.750
my friend Andrea in Phoenix, she used to send me

402
00:21:41.930 --> 00:21:44.809
random facts and details about things.

403
00:21:44.950 --> 00:21:47.230
Norwalks. Polar bears.

404
00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:51.200
Like as a distraction type of thing?

405
00:21:51.299 --> 00:21:51.799
Rainbows.

406
00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:57.059
You know, stupid things that stupid people do. And I

407
00:21:57.099 --> 00:21:59.740
don't know when it trailed off, but it got me through.

408
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:00.599
Yeah.

409
00:22:01.259 --> 00:22:01.500
Yes.

410
00:22:01.559 --> 00:22:01.799
Yeah.

411
00:22:02.420 --> 00:22:02.660
Yes.

412
00:22:03.220 --> 00:22:03.650
That's it.

413
00:22:04.589 --> 00:22:06.950
That's really nice. It's so funny because, like, a lot

414
00:22:06.990 --> 00:22:11.170
of people think they need to, you know, bring big

415
00:22:11.309 --> 00:22:16.059
sympathy gifts or, you know, have some sort of magical

416
00:22:16.779 --> 00:22:20.000
wisdom to drop on you and shit like that. But really,

417
00:22:20.059 --> 00:22:23.339
sometimes it is like, you know, can you tell me

418
00:22:23.380 --> 00:22:25.759
about your co-worker that irritates the shit out of you

419
00:22:25.799 --> 00:22:28.170
so I don't have to think about my shit right now? Or,

420
00:22:29.269 --> 00:22:32.369
you know, can you tell me a story about Tristan because...

421
00:22:34.380 --> 00:22:37.000
memory and fog sets in and now i'm starting to

422
00:22:37.059 --> 00:22:39.839
not remember some stuff and you know like everybody's afraid

423
00:22:39.880 --> 00:22:42.240
to talk about him to me but i really want

424
00:22:42.279 --> 00:22:44.019
to talk i really want people to hit me with

425
00:22:44.039 --> 00:22:45.880
their stories maybe it's a story i don't know and

426
00:22:46.619 --> 00:22:48.160
i can you know it's a new thing i can

427
00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:58.160
have or whatever i use um these images that I

428
00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:00.859
had drawn up, these cartoon animals that I draw up

429
00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:02.920
that I would send to Shay and Jeff to indicate

430
00:23:03.029 --> 00:23:06.170
where my, where I was emotionally or mentally when I

431
00:23:06.190 --> 00:23:08.630
was living with them. So they knew which, which days

432
00:23:08.710 --> 00:23:12.109
meant feed me, leave me alone, come check in on me,

433
00:23:12.210 --> 00:23:13.049
make me go shower.

434
00:23:13.549 --> 00:23:15.609
So if I use an octave, that's a great tool

435
00:23:15.650 --> 00:23:16.099
by the way.

436
00:23:16.359 --> 00:23:17.680
So I didn't have to talk, you know, it was

437
00:23:17.720 --> 00:23:19.599
like a way, a thing. And I forgot where I

438
00:23:19.640 --> 00:23:21.859
learned to do this, but I had these, I ended

439
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:24.200
up paying someone to design them for me based off

440
00:23:24.259 --> 00:23:27.779
of what I explained and And actually, I should have

441
00:23:27.799 --> 00:23:29.339
saved this for later because we're going to do kind

442
00:23:29.359 --> 00:23:33.369
of like coping tools at the end. But when I

443
00:23:33.450 --> 00:23:35.410
gave her an octopus, when I gave them an octopus,

444
00:23:35.509 --> 00:23:39.690
it meant I was being productive today. Because before Tristan died,

445
00:23:39.990 --> 00:23:42.180
I had people who called me an octopus woman because

446
00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:45.400
I always, always doing something.

447
00:23:45.420 --> 00:23:46.240
Got it.

448
00:23:46.380 --> 00:23:48.220
Manatee is what I use when I was just like,

449
00:23:49.099 --> 00:23:51.420
This is the sad, sad. Well, no, there's two. There's

450
00:23:51.480 --> 00:23:53.839
a turtle when it's a sad, sad. I'm not coming out.

451
00:23:53.859 --> 00:23:55.299
You're going to have to make sure I get fed today.

452
00:23:55.720 --> 00:23:58.079
A manatee is like, I'm sad and I don't want

453
00:23:58.099 --> 00:24:01.400
to be social. And then I had a sloth when

454
00:24:01.420 --> 00:24:02.740
I was just like, you're going to have to get

455
00:24:02.779 --> 00:24:04.339
me out of bed and make me go shower today

456
00:24:04.359 --> 00:24:06.839
because I'm going to be in this bed. And then

457
00:24:06.859 --> 00:24:10.240
I had a tiger for my anger days. And so

458
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:13.160
each of those animals, I would just send them the

459
00:24:13.299 --> 00:24:16.579
icon in the text message form. And then Shay being

460
00:24:16.619 --> 00:24:18.900
the person she is, she's like, all right, it's either

461
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:22.940
burritos or it's, you know, Indian food or, you know,

462
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:25.559
like she always knew the big, the big.

463
00:24:27.309 --> 00:24:29.509
You could say less. I starved.

464
00:24:31.170 --> 00:24:32.650
If I didn't live with them, I would have. Cause

465
00:24:32.670 --> 00:24:36.049
when I was in Mexico, I was not eating. And

466
00:24:36.289 --> 00:24:39.019
if it wasn't for it, this is actually another Shay, not,

467
00:24:39.180 --> 00:24:42.380
not Shay, Shay, but. Uh, two of my friends that

468
00:24:42.420 --> 00:24:46.160
I had in Mexico that were from the States, one

469
00:24:46.200 --> 00:24:49.740
was Shay. She started coming in and feeding me and

470
00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:51.759
like washing my dishes and stuff. And she'd check in

471
00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:55.009
on me almost every day. And then my other friends, uh,

472
00:24:55.059 --> 00:25:00.519
Naima and Jay, they would, um, they just let me

473
00:25:00.579 --> 00:25:03.450
sit on that couch and cry or like they let me, uh,

474
00:25:03.569 --> 00:25:05.849
soak in their deep soaking tub and stuff like that.

475
00:25:06.130 --> 00:25:06.390
Water.

476
00:25:06.970 --> 00:25:09.519
Yeah. Water is a big one for me too. And, uh,

477
00:25:10.130 --> 00:25:12.180
And then just some of the abuelas of the neighborhood

478
00:25:12.259 --> 00:25:14.559
found out through the grapevine that I lost my husband.

479
00:25:14.599 --> 00:25:16.839
And so I just had like little abuelas show up,

480
00:25:17.859 --> 00:25:19.740
not a hint of English and just being like, you know,

481
00:25:20.099 --> 00:25:23.420
sympathy and things and throwing food at me. And, you know,

482
00:25:24.009 --> 00:25:25.589
even in grief, I'm not going to pass up an

483
00:25:25.609 --> 00:25:27.769
abuela meal, you know.

484
00:25:28.069 --> 00:25:29.009
Not a real one?

485
00:25:29.190 --> 00:25:32.170
You know, like, yeah, like a proper, if they look

486
00:25:32.230 --> 00:25:34.450
haggard and hunched over, I know that that food is

487
00:25:34.470 --> 00:25:37.500
going to be wild. So, yeah, I was taking, I

488
00:25:37.700 --> 00:25:40.470
was getting some food. And I was in this black

489
00:25:40.630 --> 00:25:43.230
expat group too. And some of them, I knew some

490
00:25:43.250 --> 00:25:45.029
of them, I didn't, but a lot of them came

491
00:25:45.069 --> 00:25:47.289
through and just dropped food off and stuff like that too.

492
00:25:47.329 --> 00:25:51.269
So if that didn't happen, I would not have, I

493
00:25:51.309 --> 00:25:52.869
would not have been able to feed myself in those

494
00:25:52.910 --> 00:25:55.529
first four months. And then of course the year that

495
00:25:55.549 --> 00:25:59.250
I lived with Shay after that, I hardly feed myself now.

496
00:25:59.269 --> 00:26:03.880
I'm better at it, but those are the challenges. But

497
00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:06.180
that brings us to what we actually want to talk

498
00:26:06.200 --> 00:26:09.990
about today. And that is something I did not know

499
00:26:10.250 --> 00:26:14.730
about until after. And it was really like, because it hit,

500
00:26:15.029 --> 00:26:19.339
I started asking people like, I don't know what's happening

501
00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:21.599
with my brain. I think there's something wrong with my brain.

502
00:26:21.660 --> 00:26:24.359
And it was this thing that actually exists. That's called

503
00:26:24.420 --> 00:26:30.200
widow fog in big trauma or in, in big grief,

504
00:26:30.519 --> 00:26:34.329
you start to have memory loss or packet loss. And

505
00:26:35.349 --> 00:26:38.589
I did not understand that. I did not anticipate it.

506
00:26:38.730 --> 00:26:42.779
And to this day, it is still actually a difficulty.

507
00:26:42.799 --> 00:26:47.220
And I think that's why I wanted to talk about

508
00:26:47.240 --> 00:26:51.359
it sort of early in the show with you, because

509
00:26:51.380 --> 00:26:53.680
I know we've both experienced it. And literally, it's a

510
00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:56.220
part of this planning that we have to do where

511
00:26:56.269 --> 00:26:56.700
it's like.

512
00:26:57.069 --> 00:26:58.829
We have to plan around our widow fog.

513
00:26:59.180 --> 00:27:01.589
Yeah. So like sending messages and be like, okay, for

514
00:27:01.640 --> 00:27:04.390
next week or this or whatever, like, I don't, I

515
00:27:04.430 --> 00:27:06.509
still don't know what methods you need out of me.

516
00:27:06.589 --> 00:27:09.089
You don't necessarily know what methods I need out of you.

517
00:27:09.750 --> 00:27:12.640
And it's just going to be like, uh, someone's going

518
00:27:12.660 --> 00:27:16.160
to have to remind us to record this show. And

519
00:27:16.220 --> 00:27:18.220
someone's going to have to remind us to post these

520
00:27:18.279 --> 00:27:19.599
videos and things like that.

521
00:27:19.660 --> 00:27:22.339
So, um, Or like me, I'm saying, okay, is there

522
00:27:22.359 --> 00:27:25.160
anything on deck for you that I haven't gotten done.

523
00:27:24.940 --> 00:27:25.839
That you're waiting on?

524
00:27:25.859 --> 00:27:26.960
You haven't done.

525
00:27:26.799 --> 00:27:27.819
That, yeah. Like, let me know.

526
00:27:28.059 --> 00:27:30.119
If there's no priority, then I'll use my own. But

527
00:27:30.180 --> 00:27:31.680
if you got something hot, let me know.

528
00:27:32.079 --> 00:27:34.180
Yeah, when you did that, it actually stunned me so

529
00:27:34.220 --> 00:27:38.359
much that I was like, uh, uh, nothing. I was like,

530
00:27:38.440 --> 00:27:39.799
I ain't got shit for you. I'm not your boss.

531
00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:42.200
But just to check in.

532
00:27:42.539 --> 00:27:45.240
But you're right. Like, there's going to be things like that. Yeah.

533
00:27:47.200 --> 00:27:49.059
you know, it's crazy. Cause I have been sort of

534
00:27:49.420 --> 00:27:52.160
being in need of an accountability partner just to, just

535
00:27:52.180 --> 00:27:55.079
to get me to do the basic shit to that

536
00:27:55.119 --> 00:27:58.430
you're supposed to already do that falls by the wayside

537
00:27:58.470 --> 00:28:01.829
when you're in grief, you know, like it comes and goes,

538
00:28:01.910 --> 00:28:04.710
but you know, there's the shower issue that a lot

539
00:28:04.750 --> 00:28:06.450
of grievers have and, you know.

540
00:28:06.470 --> 00:28:08.150
The shower issue is real.

541
00:28:08.599 --> 00:28:10.319
It's a bad one, especially in the beginning.

542
00:28:10.839 --> 00:28:11.700
It's a bad one.

543
00:28:11.859 --> 00:28:15.789
Like you don't like, I, I, I didn't know until

544
00:28:15.890 --> 00:28:17.690
I caught a good sense of myself.

545
00:28:17.769 --> 00:28:17.950
Yeah.

546
00:28:18.349 --> 00:28:18.509
Yeah.

547
00:28:18.569 --> 00:28:19.690
Like, oh, that's me.

548
00:28:20.670 --> 00:28:22.490
Actually, this is one of those things where I hope

549
00:28:22.529 --> 00:28:26.559
to get an affiliate deal with this company because I've since,

550
00:28:26.900 --> 00:28:30.579
since becoming a widow, this is wild. Since becoming a widow,

551
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:35.920
I found this deodorant that comes in lotion form and

552
00:28:36.940 --> 00:28:39.680
it has a 72 hour guarantee. And like, this is

553
00:28:39.720 --> 00:28:41.339
not over the counter stuff. This is like stuff I

554
00:28:41.359 --> 00:28:43.000
pay extra for and I have to have it shipped

555
00:28:43.039 --> 00:28:45.029
every month and stuff like that. And I'm not kidding.

556
00:28:45.049 --> 00:28:49.829
That 72 hour thing is legit because there have been times. Yes,

557
00:28:49.869 --> 00:28:51.569
there's been times when I push that shit to the

558
00:28:51.630 --> 00:28:55.910
limit and I'm like, everything else is bad, but this

559
00:28:55.990 --> 00:28:59.470
is fine. And I was like, you know, I, I've been,

560
00:29:00.069 --> 00:29:02.319
I've been using that now for, I think about the

561
00:29:02.359 --> 00:29:05.460
last year and a half. And because I still fall

562
00:29:05.480 --> 00:29:07.559
into those pockets, you know, I got into a place

563
00:29:08.079 --> 00:29:11.660
where I was functional enough that, you know, daily hygiene

564
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:15.140
was happening. And then I, I've slipped, I slipped back

565
00:29:15.200 --> 00:29:17.079
and forth, but right now I'm in this, like every

566
00:29:17.140 --> 00:29:18.160
other day I remember.

567
00:29:19.240 --> 00:29:22.099
You know, I've been doing travel and, um, in the

568
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:25.839
beginning and it's hard because I'm in someone else's home.

569
00:29:26.640 --> 00:29:28.049
So I'm supposed to be on my.

570
00:29:27.960 --> 00:29:30.529
P's and my Q's and I, and I know that

571
00:29:30.549 --> 00:29:33.849
I'm slipping in that area. Um, so I would, I

572
00:29:33.890 --> 00:29:36.369
would love to have that because I can't stop grief

573
00:29:37.089 --> 00:29:40.369
from happening. If I'm on travel, being in someone's house

574
00:29:40.430 --> 00:29:41.109
does not matter.

575
00:29:41.130 --> 00:29:42.849
I might skip a day.

576
00:29:43.809 --> 00:29:46.650
And the crazy thing is, is when you have these

577
00:29:46.779 --> 00:29:50.200
slips of like the hygiene slips is once you do

578
00:29:50.240 --> 00:29:52.220
get into the shower, you're like, I love this.

579
00:29:52.279 --> 00:29:53.440
This feels so good.

580
00:29:53.539 --> 00:29:56.019
Why don't I do this every day or multiple times

581
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:59.640
a day? And then Tomorrow comes, you know, like you're

582
00:29:59.680 --> 00:30:02.079
getting out of the shower going, this feels good. I

583
00:30:02.140 --> 00:30:03.900
remember it feels good. I'm going to do this every day.

584
00:30:03.960 --> 00:30:06.180
And then tomorrow comes and you're just like, nope, today's

585
00:30:06.200 --> 00:30:06.799
a couch day.

586
00:30:06.819 --> 00:30:09.059
Here's the cover pulled.

587
00:30:08.900 --> 00:30:12.980
Over, you know, mouthwash, something like that. You know, it's

588
00:30:13.019 --> 00:30:13.660
that kind of stuff.

589
00:30:14.039 --> 00:30:15.900
I think I had three things that I did no

590
00:30:15.940 --> 00:30:19.640
matter what. And probably from the drill sergeant of my dad.

591
00:30:20.059 --> 00:30:22.059
And it's the sign that we had growing up. So

592
00:30:22.119 --> 00:30:24.519
I would use the bathroom. I would wash my face.

593
00:30:24.660 --> 00:30:25.539
I would blow my nose.

594
00:30:25.720 --> 00:30:26.740
Like those three things.

595
00:30:26.819 --> 00:30:28.420
Oh, was that in the downstairs bathroom?

596
00:30:28.839 --> 00:30:29.200
Probably.

597
00:30:29.220 --> 00:30:32.500
The little sign? Because I feel like I've read that

598
00:30:32.559 --> 00:30:33.500
in your house before.

599
00:30:33.900 --> 00:30:38.380
Probably. You know, you've been around for so long, so

600
00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:39.420
many moves or whatever.

601
00:30:39.440 --> 00:30:42.109
The blow your nose thing is what triggers me thinking

602
00:30:42.140 --> 00:30:43.410
I've seen it written down.

603
00:30:44.109 --> 00:30:46.289
Probably for my children. I carried on that tradition. I

604
00:30:46.309 --> 00:30:46.710
sure did.

605
00:30:46.990 --> 00:30:48.230
That's funny. Yeah.

606
00:30:48.269 --> 00:30:49.210
So I had that. So.

607
00:30:50.240 --> 00:30:54.720
Bravo to Mr. Johnson for drilling that into my thick skull.

608
00:30:54.779 --> 00:30:57.009
But the actual showering part, optional.

609
00:30:58.349 --> 00:31:02.990
It's so fucking crazy. This grief thing breaks so many

610
00:31:03.029 --> 00:31:06.049
of your own rules and boundaries that you have with yourself.

611
00:31:07.430 --> 00:31:14.160
But we'll pin that one for another topic. Oh, I

612
00:31:14.180 --> 00:31:16.619
think it's part of the memory thing. I do think

613
00:31:16.660 --> 00:31:18.549
it's part because there are days when I was like,

614
00:31:18.569 --> 00:31:23.309
did I shower yesterday? Is today the day I, but

615
00:31:23.549 --> 00:31:26.410
that's also, I think a separate thing also because I've

616
00:31:26.450 --> 00:31:29.609
heard so much about how grief impacts that. But the

617
00:31:29.710 --> 00:31:33.859
memory thing I'm finding, and I'm at two years and

618
00:31:35.059 --> 00:31:38.740
two and three quarters years. I have three months until

619
00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:45.619
the third anniversary and I have had to, create so

620
00:31:45.660 --> 00:31:49.380
many alarms on my phone throughout the day because my

621
00:31:49.420 --> 00:31:51.490
cat will not get fed on time if that alarm

622
00:31:51.509 --> 00:31:56.569
doesn't go off. If I'm about to record, if I

623
00:31:56.609 --> 00:31:58.509
know I'm going to record, I have to set that

624
00:31:58.569 --> 00:32:01.450
alarm for an hour before so that I can get

625
00:32:01.490 --> 00:32:07.839
myself in presentable mode or whatever. I have a 10-minute

626
00:32:07.900 --> 00:32:11.220
alert ahead of my Japanese tutoring and my Japanese class

627
00:32:11.460 --> 00:32:14.890
and my therapy. Like, If I know I have an

628
00:32:14.950 --> 00:32:17.069
appointment that I have to leave the house, I have

629
00:32:17.109 --> 00:32:20.289
to book a two hour in advance alarm to tell me,

630
00:32:20.509 --> 00:32:22.029
don't forget in two hours you got to go to

631
00:32:22.470 --> 00:32:25.349
go get ready. An hour before to be like, okay,

632
00:32:25.369 --> 00:32:27.990
start to get yourself ready to go, go. And then like,

633
00:32:28.029 --> 00:32:30.069
you know, that 45 minute mark or whatever you need

634
00:32:30.109 --> 00:32:33.299
for travel time, an alert to say in 15 minutes,

635
00:32:33.650 --> 00:32:35.980
that 45 minute window is coming up. So my phone

636
00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:39.359
is just filled with now. I didn't have to be

637
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:43.190
like that before. And I have missed classes. I have

638
00:32:43.269 --> 00:32:48.130
missed appointments. I missed lunch with a friend. Right. Because

639
00:32:48.170 --> 00:32:50.569
I didn't put it in my phone. And that was

640
00:32:50.589 --> 00:32:53.109
when I was traveling. So, like, how do I not

641
00:32:53.170 --> 00:32:54.829
remember that I was supposed to meet somebody at a

642
00:32:54.869 --> 00:32:56.869
cafe when I was in L.A. when I had to

643
00:32:56.950 --> 00:32:59.750
fly to L.A. and that was part of the itinerary?

644
00:32:59.769 --> 00:33:01.539
You know what I'm saying?

645
00:33:01.950 --> 00:33:03.230
It doesn't line up.

646
00:33:03.710 --> 00:33:04.400
It doesn't.

647
00:33:04.420 --> 00:33:06.660
It's not your typical forgetfulness.

648
00:33:06.920 --> 00:33:07.220
Yeah.

649
00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.640
It's not forgetfulness. It's fog.

650
00:33:10.119 --> 00:33:11.119
It's fog. Yeah.

651
00:33:11.420 --> 00:33:12.559
It's like looking through.

652
00:33:12.619 --> 00:33:14.640
You see that you're supposed to do it or you

653
00:33:14.680 --> 00:33:17.019
can or there's something. I always have the feeling like

654
00:33:17.039 --> 00:33:18.380
there's something I should be doing.

655
00:33:18.660 --> 00:33:21.490
Yeah. It does always feel like something's on your back

656
00:33:21.670 --> 00:33:25.210
and you're just like, what is it? You know, everybody

657
00:33:25.250 --> 00:33:27.170
has that thing of where they walk into a room

658
00:33:27.210 --> 00:33:28.920
and they're like, what the fuck was I in here for? And,

659
00:33:29.369 --> 00:33:31.769
you know, it doesn't usually take forever for that to

660
00:33:31.829 --> 00:33:34.789
come back. But I'm having moments where like I walk

661
00:33:34.829 --> 00:33:36.910
into a room. I don't remember why I walked into

662
00:33:36.950 --> 00:33:42.069
that room. Two days later. I'll be like, oh, and

663
00:33:42.130 --> 00:33:45.609
it'll literally be two days. And that's not a fucking

664
00:33:45.650 --> 00:33:48.710
normal thing. It's usually like, you know, maybe an hour

665
00:33:48.769 --> 00:33:52.529
later or 20 minutes later, you would remember something like that.

666
00:33:52.950 --> 00:33:55.190
But now, you know, a couple of days can go

667
00:33:55.250 --> 00:34:00.029
by and I'll finally remember whatever it was I was

668
00:34:00.049 --> 00:34:04.930
supposed to do. I've taken out meat and forgot everything.

669
00:34:05.450 --> 00:34:08.360
That's money wasted, right? Money wasted?

670
00:34:08.539 --> 00:34:12.920
Money wasted. So many. How about this?

671
00:34:14.340 --> 00:34:18.539
I forgot the lights on a long trip and left

672
00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:22.619
my refrigerator and my freezer and my.

673
00:34:22.460 --> 00:34:25.469
Yard and my houseplants in.

674
00:34:25.389 --> 00:34:30.150
The middle of summer in the North Bay where it

675
00:34:30.190 --> 00:34:38.829
gets hot. And I didn't even think to check certain

676
00:34:38.929 --> 00:34:40.320
things that would let me know.

677
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:46.599
There's no lights. Oh, and I have the budget set aside.

678
00:34:47.119 --> 00:34:47.400
Yeah.

679
00:34:47.920 --> 00:34:48.699
Who would want to?

680
00:34:48.719 --> 00:34:51.139
Oh, I was so afraid of what I would see

681
00:34:51.159 --> 00:34:54.849
when I came home with my houseplants. Because my houseplants

682
00:34:54.909 --> 00:34:55.889
are what regulate me.

683
00:34:56.309 --> 00:34:56.989
Yeah, yeah.

684
00:34:57.289 --> 00:34:58.750
I'm very time blind.

685
00:34:58.889 --> 00:35:00.929
I'm very time blind now.

686
00:35:01.500 --> 00:35:04.480
But remembering my plants need light gets me out of

687
00:35:04.500 --> 00:35:07.929
the bed to open the curtains. You know, remembering that, oh,

688
00:35:07.969 --> 00:35:11.610
that plant is more thirsty than that plant. So it

689
00:35:11.710 --> 00:35:13.969
forces me to go to the corners of my house

690
00:35:13.989 --> 00:35:16.809
where I have plants. And so nothing gets too dirty

691
00:35:16.849 --> 00:35:18.989
or too nasty. You see what I'm saying?

692
00:35:19.010 --> 00:35:20.949
So I was like, oh, my God, I'm about to

693
00:35:20.969 --> 00:35:24.070
lose my support system. And then the emotional part of.

694
00:35:24.010 --> 00:35:27.190
That was Brett's and I's thing. Like, I hope I

695
00:35:27.210 --> 00:35:28.409
didn't kill one of his favorite plants.

696
00:35:28.900 --> 00:35:29.480
You know what I mean?

697
00:35:29.699 --> 00:35:33.900
Oh, I remember you texting me that once. Like, you

698
00:35:33.940 --> 00:35:35.480
just hope you're going to be able to keep these

699
00:35:35.599 --> 00:35:40.320
plants going or something. Yeah, I remember that. I mean,

700
00:35:40.360 --> 00:35:43.510
I didn't remember that a couple minutes ago. I remember

701
00:35:44.010 --> 00:35:44.530
that now.

702
00:35:44.639 --> 00:35:45.230
Brought you back.

703
00:35:45.250 --> 00:35:51.710
But no, it's things like that. Widowfog doesn't care about

704
00:35:51.769 --> 00:35:53.269
the importance.

705
00:35:52.869 --> 00:35:57.449
Of a thing to you. Yeah. You just get to

706
00:35:57.510 --> 00:35:58.269
forget or not.

707
00:35:59.719 --> 00:36:02.360
Like with that missing a friend lunch or something like

708
00:36:02.400 --> 00:36:07.320
that pre grief, I would have been like, does this

709
00:36:07.380 --> 00:36:10.320
mean this person doesn't matter to me that much because

710
00:36:10.340 --> 00:36:13.510
I forgot, you know, or whatever. Like if this was

711
00:36:13.570 --> 00:36:16.369
pre grief, I'd be like, there's gotta be something making

712
00:36:16.489 --> 00:36:18.670
me miss this because I'm not the kind of person

713
00:36:18.690 --> 00:36:22.429
that leaves people hanging and stuff like that. But it

714
00:36:22.469 --> 00:36:26.909
to happen now, it, it, it, it, the fog isn't

715
00:36:26.949 --> 00:36:28.809
just like, I don't remember what I'm supposed to do today.

716
00:36:28.969 --> 00:36:33.570
The fog literally is people. And there are friends that

717
00:36:33.710 --> 00:36:37.920
I haven't talked to. And it's not because I have

718
00:36:37.980 --> 00:36:41.199
beef or whatever. It's because I literally don't remember they exist.

719
00:36:41.880 --> 00:36:45.920
And then a Facebook post or a text message, I'll

720
00:36:45.940 --> 00:36:48.579
come in. I'll be like, I'll actually say the name

721
00:36:48.659 --> 00:36:52.949
out loud and be like, Michael, who's Michael, you know?

722
00:36:53.519 --> 00:36:54.320
Or something like that.

723
00:36:54.619 --> 00:36:56.199
You sent me one of those. Like, do I know

724
00:36:56.239 --> 00:36:56.639
this guy?

725
00:36:57.059 --> 00:36:59.139
Oh, yeah. I sent that to you. But I did.

726
00:36:59.199 --> 00:37:00.760
I don't think I know that guy. I think it

727
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:08.460
was just a random. But, yeah, like, Clara, my friend

728
00:37:08.579 --> 00:37:10.699
from high school, too, she'll tell me a story about

729
00:37:10.739 --> 00:37:12.199
someone we went to high school with. She'll be like,

730
00:37:12.219 --> 00:37:14.559
you remember so-and-so? And I'm like, nah. And she'll show

731
00:37:14.579 --> 00:37:18.179
me a picture. And I'm like, maybe. But, you know, like, now,

732
00:37:18.219 --> 00:37:20.829
because I used to be able to remember faces and

733
00:37:20.869 --> 00:37:22.969
not names. Now that's gone, too.

734
00:37:22.989 --> 00:37:28.929
Right. You know what? I've lost my sense of direction.

735
00:37:28.949 --> 00:37:29.809
Oh, really?

736
00:37:29.829 --> 00:37:35.429
Where am I? Oh, I need direction still. It's almost

737
00:37:35.889 --> 00:37:37.789
two and a half years I've been in this neighborhood.

738
00:37:37.849 --> 00:37:40.889
And if I'm going to my local WinCo, I'm still like,

739
00:37:40.969 --> 00:37:42.699
is it this exit or that exit?

740
00:37:43.300 --> 00:37:45.619
That's kind of fair. I feel like I know the

741
00:37:45.659 --> 00:37:47.800
places I go to, but I still have to put

742
00:37:47.840 --> 00:37:48.650
my GPS on.

743
00:37:48.699 --> 00:37:51.559
I get this in Sacramento. When I go to Sacramento,

744
00:37:51.699 --> 00:37:55.539
I don't know where or what. I used to be

745
00:37:55.579 --> 00:37:56.639
called the Thomas guide.

746
00:37:57.099 --> 00:37:59.239
To be fair, like you haven't lived there in a

747
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:00.159
long time too.

748
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:02.480
It doesn't matter where I'm at. I'm trying to tell

749
00:38:02.519 --> 00:38:05.130
you my sense of direction. I used to have a

750
00:38:05.219 --> 00:38:09.710
very strong sense of direction and, and now I, I,

751
00:38:10.329 --> 00:38:11.110
I cannot.

752
00:38:11.769 --> 00:38:15.230
I always did too. And Tristan, Tristan couldn't go, couldn't

753
00:38:15.269 --> 00:38:17.250
find the same place over and over again. If you tried,

754
00:38:17.309 --> 00:38:19.710
like he would always need it mapped out or, which

755
00:38:19.750 --> 00:38:21.889
is a big part of why I drove mostly to, um,

756
00:38:23.420 --> 00:38:26.969
But now I notice that my instincts are incorrect. I've

757
00:38:27.010 --> 00:38:28.710
always been a north, south, east, west person.

758
00:38:29.389 --> 00:38:30.070
I can do that.

759
00:38:30.429 --> 00:38:33.750
And I'm literally in a city that's aligned north, south, east, west,

760
00:38:33.789 --> 00:38:35.710
because the way the water is and the way the

761
00:38:35.750 --> 00:38:38.010
mountains are, you know which direction things are.

762
00:38:38.030 --> 00:38:39.059
That's how Phoenix was.

763
00:38:39.260 --> 00:38:42.900
And I make turns that aren't correct now. So maybe

764
00:38:42.920 --> 00:38:45.139
there's an effect there, too. But I also don't know

765
00:38:45.159 --> 00:38:45.340
this city.

766
00:38:45.360 --> 00:38:47.599
I turned down a one-way street the other day in Sacramento.

767
00:38:47.619 --> 00:38:48.039
Oh, I've done that.

768
00:38:48.469 --> 00:38:51.349
I've done that since I've been a griever too. That

769
00:38:51.769 --> 00:38:52.889
is terrifying.

770
00:38:52.909 --> 00:38:53.590
Hold on.

771
00:38:53.690 --> 00:38:57.110
And I used to, when I worked child protective services,

772
00:38:57.550 --> 00:39:00.389
my job was in the field. My office was the field.

773
00:39:00.670 --> 00:39:02.570
That's why I say I was the Thomas guide. I

774
00:39:02.619 --> 00:39:05.019
knew all of Sacramento, like the back of my hand.

775
00:39:05.440 --> 00:39:08.380
And even in Phoenix, I love Phoenix because in Phoenix,

776
00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:10.619
you can go to the Northwest corner of Indian school

777
00:39:10.699 --> 00:39:11.559
and 16th street.

778
00:39:11.579 --> 00:39:13.679
I don't know exactly where that is, but when I

779
00:39:13.719 --> 00:39:16.380
go back to Phoenix, I'm like, uh, Which way is

780
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:20.559
the sun? Which way is the mountain? That's funny. It's

781
00:39:20.579 --> 00:39:21.610
just not the same for me.

782
00:39:28.289 --> 00:39:30.389
A lot of the day to day stuff is is

783
00:39:30.469 --> 00:39:36.030
really odd or unusual, but I think memory fog plays

784
00:39:36.110 --> 00:39:41.269
into almost every element because. You know, you said time

785
00:39:41.289 --> 00:39:44.670
blindness earlier. I feel like time blindness is there, but

786
00:39:44.690 --> 00:39:46.730
I think that is has to be tied to me.

787
00:39:46.989 --> 00:39:48.179
A lot of times I don't even know what day

788
00:39:48.199 --> 00:39:51.039
of the week is. And so if my phone doesn't

789
00:39:51.079 --> 00:39:53.440
tell me you have an appointment or whatever, like I've

790
00:39:53.460 --> 00:39:56.780
been intentionally booking things. Like if I have an outside appointment,

791
00:39:56.880 --> 00:39:59.039
I try to put those on Tuesdays. I don't know

792
00:39:59.059 --> 00:40:02.289
why it's Tuesdays, but Tuesdays at least. Yeah, it's like

793
00:40:02.329 --> 00:40:05.730
if I remember that Tuesdays is the day I go outside,

794
00:40:06.670 --> 00:40:08.050
then if it's Monday night, I'm going to look at

795
00:40:08.070 --> 00:40:10.130
the calendar and say, is there something on Tuesdays? And

796
00:40:10.170 --> 00:40:13.219
I have missed appointments multiple times or whatever. or if

797
00:40:13.239 --> 00:40:15.409
something gets moved to a Thursday or something like that, yeah,

798
00:40:15.429 --> 00:40:17.519
that Thursday is not going to happen. You know, like

799
00:40:17.579 --> 00:40:21.480
it's just lost. It's just lost. Yeah. And it's even

800
00:40:21.539 --> 00:40:24.840
to a degree why I insisted on like, you know,

801
00:40:25.239 --> 00:40:26.699
stay at home widow is going to be released on

802
00:40:26.719 --> 00:40:31.780
the first Wednesday of the month. It's Wednesday, widow, Wednesday, widow, Wednesday, window, Wednesday.

803
00:40:32.440 --> 00:40:35.900
That's why I'm going to remember to release this. I

804
00:40:35.940 --> 00:40:38.920
have another show I've been working on that I'm not,

805
00:40:39.280 --> 00:40:40.320
I don't know if I'm going to drop it in

806
00:40:40.360 --> 00:40:43.440
September or October, but that one's going to air on,

807
00:40:43.820 --> 00:40:46.760
on the fourth Monday of the month because it has

808
00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:50.400
Maine in the title, you know? So alliteration is a

809
00:40:50.460 --> 00:40:54.780
thing for me, but it's also a tool for me

810
00:40:54.820 --> 00:40:57.280
now to like, remember to do things on certain days.

811
00:40:57.380 --> 00:41:00.039
If it works, if it works with a day, um,

812
00:41:00.260 --> 00:41:03.139
I clean the cat water dishes on Wednesday cause water Wednesday.

813
00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.510
I like that, you know, stuff like that.

814
00:41:05.530 --> 00:41:10.039
Um, I think those are tools that can help for real.

815
00:41:10.059 --> 00:41:14.119
Because you don't have to think about it as deeply. Yeah,

816
00:41:14.139 --> 00:41:16.710
it's just the trick now is remembering what day of

817
00:41:16.730 --> 00:41:19.809
the week it is. And if that happens, then okay, great.

818
00:41:19.909 --> 00:41:26.929
I'm on things. The football games have been, at first

819
00:41:26.969 --> 00:41:29.800
they kept hitting on Sunday so I was like okay

820
00:41:29.820 --> 00:41:32.090
when it's Sunday that's football day but then some of

821
00:41:32.110 --> 00:41:34.409
the games started happening on like a random Monday or

822
00:41:34.429 --> 00:41:36.210
a Friday and so like I'm like fuck.

823
00:41:36.030 --> 00:41:38.309
That's gonna throw me all off you lost your anchor.

824
00:41:38.429 --> 00:41:41.230
Yeah so like things like that uh kind of get

825
00:41:41.329 --> 00:41:43.329
in the way a little bit but I do try

826
00:41:43.349 --> 00:41:46.809
to have as much as a regimented plan as I

827
00:41:46.909 --> 00:41:49.829
can so that I actually remember to do things now

828
00:41:50.349 --> 00:41:53.449
and it still falls apart every week I'm gonna miss something.

829
00:41:53.809 --> 00:41:56.070
You learn to give yourself grace Been trying.

830
00:41:56.090 --> 00:41:59.190
Yeah. Like I, at this point I'm probably the most

831
00:42:00.190 --> 00:42:03.880
grace giving to myself that I've ever been in my life.

832
00:42:03.960 --> 00:42:06.460
But even that took, you know, a year or two

833
00:42:06.559 --> 00:42:08.679
until I was able to do that. Cause even in

834
00:42:08.760 --> 00:42:11.920
my heaviest of grief, there were moments when I was

835
00:42:12.039 --> 00:42:14.840
really apologetic for not being functional and I'm living with

836
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:17.590
Shay at the time. And she was like, why the

837
00:42:17.630 --> 00:42:20.059
fuck do you think I brought you here? You know,

838
00:42:20.159 --> 00:42:22.059
I brought you here so you didn't have to worry

839
00:42:22.099 --> 00:42:24.389
about being functional. I brought you here because I don't

840
00:42:24.469 --> 00:42:28.710
want you to have to be functional. You know, like.

841
00:42:28.530 --> 00:42:31.210
She's she's in good service. She does good service.

842
00:42:31.269 --> 00:42:34.590
Yeah. And and the thing is, like, even when I

843
00:42:34.610 --> 00:42:36.710
can be a friend of service to her, I don't

844
00:42:36.769 --> 00:42:39.150
feel like I will ever be able to match her

845
00:42:39.230 --> 00:42:44.119
energy at all because and her husband, too, because, you know,

846
00:42:44.159 --> 00:42:46.000
they made room for me and my cats in their

847
00:42:46.019 --> 00:42:50.360
house for a year. After Tristan died, Jeff came to

848
00:42:50.400 --> 00:42:53.039
Mexico to look after me for a month or whatever. And,

849
00:42:53.139 --> 00:42:55.079
you know, that wasn't easy for him to be away

850
00:42:55.119 --> 00:42:57.780
from his wife and dogs and stuff like that for

851
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:01.480
a month. And it was Christmas time, too. Like, you know,

852
00:43:01.500 --> 00:43:03.780
there was a lot of they both have done a

853
00:43:03.820 --> 00:43:07.050
lot for me when I've when I've needed to travel

854
00:43:07.090 --> 00:43:09.329
with the cats. Jeff has traveled with me and then

855
00:43:09.369 --> 00:43:11.389
traveled back home, you know, like he's flown with me

856
00:43:11.449 --> 00:43:14.349
and the cats and then drive back home. And now

857
00:43:14.369 --> 00:43:15.750
it's just crates, so I'm not going to need an

858
00:43:15.809 --> 00:43:19.010
extra person to fly my cats with. But the fact

859
00:43:19.050 --> 00:43:22.090
that I know that they would do it if I

860
00:43:22.130 --> 00:43:28.050
needed that. Yeah, they made it possible for me to

861
00:43:28.090 --> 00:43:30.960
get through to finally be able to live on my

862
00:43:31.059 --> 00:43:36.320
own because I had actually never lived alone. I went

863
00:43:36.400 --> 00:43:40.400
straight from my aunt's house to the dorms. That was

864
00:43:40.420 --> 00:43:43.219
the closest to living alone I've ever done, but also

865
00:43:43.300 --> 00:43:45.769
like there's 11 billion people around you at all times.

866
00:43:46.090 --> 00:43:49.429
I had a solo room, but you know, you don't,

867
00:43:49.469 --> 00:43:51.570
you go to the bathroom, there's everybody, you know, you

868
00:43:51.590 --> 00:43:53.510
don't have a, your private bathroom and stuff like that.

869
00:43:53.530 --> 00:43:55.550
So I don't feel like that counts as living alone.

870
00:43:55.710 --> 00:43:57.829
And then I lived alone for six months.

871
00:43:58.550 --> 00:43:59.510
Really? Yeah.

872
00:43:59.530 --> 00:43:59.909
That's it.

873
00:44:01.429 --> 00:44:03.929
I wish I had had a chance to live alone before,

874
00:44:04.050 --> 00:44:06.630
but also, you know, I didn't know I was going to, well, one,

875
00:44:07.429 --> 00:44:09.800
the control my family had on me kept me in the,

876
00:44:09.929 --> 00:44:12.780
in the house for quite a long time. Um, And

877
00:44:12.820 --> 00:44:14.079
then I didn't know I was going to fall in

878
00:44:14.099 --> 00:44:16.420
love with my friend at 22, which is pretty much

879
00:44:16.440 --> 00:44:18.820
like the start of your adult life. I didn't really

880
00:44:18.840 --> 00:44:24.119
get to start my adult life. Um, and you know,

881
00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:28.300
without him, it was, it was, we did that together

882
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:31.059
and then he died. And I remember it was like

883
00:44:31.099 --> 00:44:34.070
a week or two after it was like a, let's see,

884
00:44:34.929 --> 00:44:37.530
Jeff came two weeks after Tristan died. So it was

885
00:44:37.610 --> 00:44:40.130
sometime in that two week period. I remember calling Shay

886
00:44:40.170 --> 00:44:43.820
and I was like, I've never lived alone before. You know, like,

887
00:44:43.880 --> 00:44:45.699
it was just a random thought. It was like, I

888
00:44:45.739 --> 00:44:48.699
realize I've never been, for a person who likes to

889
00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:51.119
be alone, I had never been alone before.

890
00:44:51.139 --> 00:44:52.000
Or lived alone, right.

891
00:44:52.019 --> 00:44:55.449
Like, properly alone. And so, you know, and that was

892
00:44:55.469 --> 00:44:56.949
when we had a house, too. So I had to, like,

893
00:44:56.989 --> 00:44:59.989
remember to have the money for the pool guy when

894
00:45:00.030 --> 00:45:01.750
he came to clean it up. Because this is Mexico.

895
00:45:01.769 --> 00:45:02.690
Every house has a pool.

896
00:45:04.269 --> 00:45:06.010
Changing the smoke detector.

897
00:45:06.030 --> 00:45:10.650
Oh, yeah. You have that going on right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

898
00:45:10.750 --> 00:45:16.219
It's the memory thing is I, I really just want

899
00:45:16.260 --> 00:45:19.099
people to know about it because I want anybody who's

900
00:45:19.599 --> 00:45:22.059
going to be a griever in the future is going

901
00:45:22.099 --> 00:45:24.119
to need this, know that this is need to know

902
00:45:24.139 --> 00:45:26.039
that this is happening, but for the people in our

903
00:45:26.119 --> 00:45:29.619
lives who may not be able to give us grace

904
00:45:29.699 --> 00:45:36.519
beyond that first, however long their personal measurement of appropriate grief, um,

905
00:45:38.690 --> 00:45:41.469
they need to know like, this is actually a permanent thing. Unfortunately, uh,

906
00:45:43.590 --> 00:45:46.710
of everything I've read so far, it seems to continue

907
00:45:46.750 --> 00:45:48.829
to affect people. And, you know, it's, it's going to

908
00:45:48.849 --> 00:45:51.230
be tougher on us because for us, it happened when

909
00:45:51.269 --> 00:45:54.139
we were in our, you know, we were 45, 46

910
00:45:54.139 --> 00:45:54.619
years old.

911
00:45:55.400 --> 00:45:55.639
Right.

912
00:45:55.900 --> 00:46:01.639
You were 46, I think. Um, Oh boy. Or 47.

913
00:46:01.639 --> 00:46:04.219
And I was, I was 45. And then three days

914
00:46:04.260 --> 00:46:04.840
later I was 46. So.

915
00:46:04.940 --> 00:46:05.280
Yeah.

916
00:46:06.119 --> 00:46:11.170
So I was 47. We were talking about how long

917
00:46:11.210 --> 00:46:13.650
this life is potentially going to be for me because

918
00:46:13.710 --> 00:46:16.329
of how long the women in my family live. And

919
00:46:16.389 --> 00:46:20.250
him dying at 45, I got somewhere between 40 and

920
00:46:20.250 --> 00:46:26.409
60 years of foggy brain. So no statute of limitations

921
00:46:26.449 --> 00:46:28.030
that someone else puts on me is going to help

922
00:46:28.050 --> 00:46:29.110
me have a better memory.

923
00:46:29.130 --> 00:46:32.139
Or expectations. Yeah.

924
00:46:32.849 --> 00:46:36.460
You should love me or you should know or don't

925
00:46:36.480 --> 00:46:37.659
I mean anything to you?

926
00:46:37.679 --> 00:46:39.599
Don't I mean anything to you?

927
00:46:39.860 --> 00:46:42.130
Why can't you? You know, all those things.

928
00:46:42.409 --> 00:46:45.250
Snap out of it. So the frustrating part for me

929
00:46:45.289 --> 00:46:49.079
with the memory thing is that I have. always been

930
00:46:49.099 --> 00:46:53.809
an elephant yeah I remember everything I remember all the

931
00:46:53.869 --> 00:46:56.730
dirt in my family because they don't realize I had

932
00:46:56.829 --> 00:46:59.469
turned on a lot earlier than most kids and so

933
00:46:59.929 --> 00:47:02.739
you know I was under five some of the dirt

934
00:47:02.780 --> 00:47:04.940
my family was doing and shit like that like I

935
00:47:04.980 --> 00:47:09.699
remember everybody's dirty stories and stuff you know those actually

936
00:47:09.780 --> 00:47:12.039
oddly enough those are easier for me to recall than

937
00:47:12.099 --> 00:47:15.659
even stuff that happened in my life with Tristan sometimes

938
00:47:15.739 --> 00:47:19.179
like there are some struggles of And I think that's

939
00:47:19.219 --> 00:47:22.219
just because the grief memory issue is tied to that person.

940
00:47:23.800 --> 00:47:26.440
And so like I'll have these random memories pop into

941
00:47:26.480 --> 00:47:28.539
my head of something, you know, that Tristan and I did.

942
00:47:28.559 --> 00:47:30.610
And I'll be like, you know, OK, write that down

943
00:47:31.469 --> 00:47:34.929
because that might go away again. And I don't know.

944
00:47:34.989 --> 00:47:38.010
You know, I'll just need to have something that triggers

945
00:47:38.070 --> 00:47:38.550
the memory.

946
00:47:38.650 --> 00:47:40.630
My notes have increased exponentially.

947
00:47:40.989 --> 00:47:43.239
Oh, yeah. I think I have a I can look

948
00:47:43.260 --> 00:47:44.769
at it right here. I have 991 cloud notes right now.

949
00:47:47.739 --> 00:47:49.329
I have it open because I have notes for the

950
00:47:49.429 --> 00:47:52.250
show on there. Right. But when I scan through them,

951
00:47:52.289 --> 00:47:55.190
some of them are literally like, you know, you parked

952
00:47:55.230 --> 00:47:58.130
on the third floor in the red area, which parking garage,

953
00:47:58.269 --> 00:48:02.619
I don't know. Cause I didn't delete the note. If

954
00:48:02.659 --> 00:48:05.780
I don't remember it from right then and there, you know,

955
00:48:05.840 --> 00:48:09.480
stuff like that. Oh, I also have Apple tags in

956
00:48:09.559 --> 00:48:11.380
almost everything.

957
00:48:12.480 --> 00:48:12.780
Okay.

958
00:48:13.300 --> 00:48:16.010
Just in case, like in all kinds of bags, which is,

959
00:48:16.440 --> 00:48:19.659
crazy because I can't always hear it wherever it's at,

960
00:48:20.070 --> 00:48:22.949
but you know, I at least can see the icons

961
00:48:22.989 --> 00:48:27.809
are all with me, but, um, having to trick myself

962
00:48:27.889 --> 00:48:35.429
into memory is a thing. And I do not, it

963
00:48:35.449 --> 00:48:40.739
feels so uncomfortable. And I imagine to a degree, and

964
00:48:40.820 --> 00:48:42.739
this is like me talking out of my ass cause

965
00:48:42.760 --> 00:48:45.329
I don't really know. I imagine to agree that for

966
00:48:45.349 --> 00:48:47.889
someone that's going through Alzheimer's where they have those like

967
00:48:48.309 --> 00:48:51.530
fits of memory and clarity and then it goes away again.

968
00:48:51.550 --> 00:48:52.230
Right, right.

969
00:48:52.650 --> 00:48:55.769
I feel like I am experiencing a mild version of

970
00:48:56.329 --> 00:48:59.389
that because, you know, days can go by and I

971
00:48:59.449 --> 00:49:02.250
will not remember this thing. But I know I what

972
00:49:02.309 --> 00:49:06.050
I am remembering is that I have to remember something. Right.

973
00:49:06.780 --> 00:49:08.320
But I can't figure out what that something is.

974
00:49:10.199 --> 00:49:12.019
My my memory has been.

975
00:49:12.730 --> 00:49:16.059
Something that I can't even articulate with what I'm moving into.

976
00:49:16.079 --> 00:49:18.909
Because it's not based off of anything I've seen anyone do.

977
00:49:19.730 --> 00:49:23.320
It's something that I've been creating for myself. One of

978
00:49:23.340 --> 00:49:26.420
the bigger things that would help me was Osiris, my

979
00:49:26.460 --> 00:49:28.139
giant schnauzer. Okay.

980
00:49:28.340 --> 00:49:29.360
Such a smart boy.

981
00:49:30.019 --> 00:49:32.219
But in the beginning, I would say even in the

982
00:49:32.320 --> 00:49:35.159
first months, he would help me out in terms of,

983
00:49:36.320 --> 00:49:37.699
I don't know I'm staying.

984
00:49:37.460 --> 00:49:39.340
Up too late. Oh, yes.

985
00:49:39.750 --> 00:49:40.710
Crate tells me to go to bed.

986
00:49:41.329 --> 00:49:41.650
Right.

987
00:49:41.849 --> 00:49:46.360
And so, but I'm so absorbed. Like he would basically

988
00:49:46.480 --> 00:49:48.239
act like a complete asshole.

989
00:49:48.599 --> 00:49:48.780
Yeah.

990
00:49:50.280 --> 00:49:53.360
I'm a cat person with a big dog. Yeah. And

991
00:49:53.400 --> 00:49:55.909
dad's gone. Yeah. And so now it's me and the

992
00:49:55.949 --> 00:49:56.929
teenage dog boy.

993
00:49:56.949 --> 00:49:57.510
Yeah.

994
00:49:57.769 --> 00:49:58.989
And he's challenging me.

995
00:49:59.130 --> 00:50:01.070
And then it's like, I'm getting in there and I'm

996
00:50:01.289 --> 00:50:02.829
frustrated and I'm like, what the heck?

997
00:50:02.869 --> 00:50:04.670
And then I'm like, oh, it's 1030. Yeah.

998
00:50:04.690 --> 00:50:08.159
Yeah. turn off the lights, you know? And then I

999
00:50:08.179 --> 00:50:09.699
started to tell people when they come, I'm like, turn

1000
00:50:09.719 --> 00:50:13.079
off the lights. There are times when, like you said,

1001
00:50:13.159 --> 00:50:17.320
slipping on, on feeding crate, like I would come in

1002
00:50:17.360 --> 00:50:21.340
and if I'm forgetting to, forgetting to feed Osiris, all

1003
00:50:21.360 --> 00:50:23.239
of a sudden he's at the pantry looking at me like,

1004
00:50:24.570 --> 00:50:26.510
and I'm like, get, get from over there, you know,

1005
00:50:26.550 --> 00:50:28.829
go over here. You know, I'm giving my little commands,

1006
00:50:28.849 --> 00:50:31.570
you know, trying to learn the, whatever I'm supposed to

1007
00:50:31.610 --> 00:50:34.510
do for the dogs. And then it's like after a

1008
00:50:34.510 --> 00:50:37.050
few or three commands where he's looking at me like

1009
00:50:37.670 --> 00:50:38.150
this woman.

1010
00:50:38.510 --> 00:50:38.750
Yeah.

1011
00:50:38.849 --> 00:50:39.929
I'm like, oh, you're hungry.

1012
00:50:39.949 --> 00:50:44.769
And then he's like, I'm going to fucking die here, guy.

1013
00:50:45.050 --> 00:50:47.369
And then I'm like, feed the dog, feed myself, feed

1014
00:50:47.389 --> 00:50:48.630
the dog, feed myself.

1015
00:50:48.730 --> 00:50:51.949
Oh, my gosh. You just unlocked a memory just now.

1016
00:50:51.969 --> 00:50:55.349
When I was still in Mexico, Revan and Rain were

1017
00:50:55.389 --> 00:50:59.710
both really elderly. And Revan, we had to start home

1018
00:50:59.750 --> 00:51:02.739
cooking his food. And so we basically just started home

1019
00:51:02.760 --> 00:51:08.900
cooking everybody's food and rain had this, um, uh, bowel issue.

1020
00:51:08.920 --> 00:51:10.760
And so we had a diaper her because she would,

1021
00:51:11.039 --> 00:51:13.880
she would poop everywhere without control. She'd become incontinent and

1022
00:51:13.900 --> 00:51:18.949
she'd also bleed too. And so, um, you know, if

1023
00:51:18.989 --> 00:51:20.750
I forgot to put her diaper on, I was going

1024
00:51:20.769 --> 00:51:23.150
to wake up to blood. So I would have to chant.

1025
00:51:23.250 --> 00:51:26.010
Like I would have this like chant every day. Whereas

1026
00:51:26.050 --> 00:51:28.329
like in bed, I was like, get up, go to

1027
00:51:28.349 --> 00:51:31.420
the bathroom, brush your teeth, feed the cats. clean the

1028
00:51:31.639 --> 00:51:35.550
clean up the you know the blood and shit and

1029
00:51:35.590 --> 00:51:38.449
stuff from the night before um you know change the

1030
00:51:38.489 --> 00:51:41.110
diaper do the litter and so that became this mantra

1031
00:51:41.389 --> 00:51:44.809
get up go to the bathroom brush your teeth feed

1032
00:51:44.829 --> 00:51:47.340
the cats clean the clean the litter you know and

1033
00:51:47.360 --> 00:51:49.260
i was doing that every day.

1034
00:51:48.960 --> 00:51:52.719
Um it's kind of like the aria list of people

1035
00:51:52.760 --> 00:51:55.440
she wants to kill you just go through.

1036
00:51:55.239 --> 00:52:00.179
It You just had to, you just had to have

1037
00:52:00.219 --> 00:52:02.079
that kill list. Otherwise you weren't going to get that

1038
00:52:02.119 --> 00:52:02.659
shit done.

1039
00:52:02.840 --> 00:52:05.059
And somebody's going to starve here. Yeah.

1040
00:52:05.179 --> 00:52:06.280
And so now my version.

1041
00:52:06.340 --> 00:52:07.900
And the dog is like, the dog is like, it's

1042
00:52:07.940 --> 00:52:10.519
not going to be me, mama. Come on now. Feed me. Yeah.

1043
00:52:10.840 --> 00:52:14.159
Because if you don't feed me, I'm going to eat you.

1044
00:52:14.260 --> 00:52:15.619
I am a dog. I'm a dog.

1045
00:52:15.739 --> 00:52:17.360
I'm a dog. I'm going to need to eat.

1046
00:52:17.940 --> 00:52:18.119
Yeah.

1047
00:52:18.219 --> 00:52:19.860
Crate has a tone now.

1048
00:52:20.460 --> 00:52:24.469
What? Is it, is it, is it new since losing weight?

1049
00:52:25.230 --> 00:52:27.849
You know, he's always had this sort of long, drawn out,

1050
00:52:28.050 --> 00:52:31.269
higher pitched meow anyway compared to the other cats. But

1051
00:52:31.489 --> 00:52:33.809
I can't tell if I'm reading into it as more

1052
00:52:33.869 --> 00:52:36.929
crotchety or if it always was that. But there is

1053
00:52:37.010 --> 00:52:40.159
definitely a tone he has that I was like, you

1054
00:52:40.199 --> 00:52:43.019
need to stop cussing because this is a black house

1055
00:52:43.059 --> 00:52:44.619
and you should know better. You're not allowed to cuss

1056
00:52:44.659 --> 00:52:48.059
me out. But it feels like he's cussing. He also

1057
00:52:48.099 --> 00:52:51.130
makes deep eye contact when he has that tone. And

1058
00:52:51.289 --> 00:52:54.849
that is a very instructing tone. He's always like things

1059
00:52:54.869 --> 00:52:57.989
the way he likes it. I always make a joke

1060
00:52:58.030 --> 00:53:00.949
that like he was probably supposed to be born a sheepdog,

1061
00:53:00.989 --> 00:53:03.070
but it got mixed up because he's always trying to

1062
00:53:03.090 --> 00:53:05.150
tell me where I'm supposed to go. And he's always

1063
00:53:05.170 --> 00:53:08.530
supposed to control my timeline. So he usually tries to

1064
00:53:08.590 --> 00:53:10.230
wake me up about a half an hour before it

1065
00:53:10.309 --> 00:53:11.639
is time for us to wake up.

1066
00:53:11.659 --> 00:53:12.360
Oh my goodness.

1067
00:53:12.860 --> 00:53:16.039
He around 1030 is when he starts to holler at

1068
00:53:16.079 --> 00:53:19.739
me to like wind down. I always bypass it. I

1069
00:53:19.820 --> 00:53:22.559
always piss him off. He'll walk out, go in the room.

1070
00:53:22.599 --> 00:53:24.860
He'll come back, cuss me out again, go back. And

1071
00:53:24.900 --> 00:53:27.420
then by like 1130 to 12, I'm like, all right,

1072
00:53:27.480 --> 00:53:30.320
all right, all right. Let me finish this thing. And

1073
00:53:30.380 --> 00:53:31.880
I'm going to go. So I had to tell him

1074
00:53:31.920 --> 00:53:33.739
every night, like, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

1075
00:53:33.780 --> 00:53:36.099
I'm brush my teeth and then we can go to bed.

1076
00:53:36.480 --> 00:53:38.360
Yeah. Just don't give me the voice. Yeah.

1077
00:53:38.840 --> 00:53:42.460
Um, if I move when he's sitting with me, he

1078
00:53:42.519 --> 00:53:44.840
has a tone of just like, no, this is sit time.

1079
00:53:44.900 --> 00:53:46.179
This is not move around time.

1080
00:53:46.199 --> 00:53:46.659
Okay.

1081
00:53:46.760 --> 00:53:48.760
And then his other problem, he does not like when

1082
00:53:48.800 --> 00:53:50.360
I sit at my desk. Cause when I sit at

1083
00:53:50.400 --> 00:53:52.179
my desk, that means my headphones are going to go on.

1084
00:53:52.219 --> 00:53:53.679
I'm not going to pay attention to him for a

1085
00:53:53.719 --> 00:53:56.070
period of time, which is crazy. Cause he can spend

1086
00:53:56.179 --> 00:53:58.409
all day in bed. And then as soon as I

1087
00:53:58.449 --> 00:54:01.670
sit at this table at nighttime, he's all, uh, it's,

1088
00:54:01.809 --> 00:54:06.010
it's our time. Um, so yeah, he's, he's become a

1089
00:54:06.030 --> 00:54:08.409
little bit more demanding, especially since Cray had died also.

1090
00:54:08.469 --> 00:54:09.469
Cause now he's a solo.

1091
00:54:10.079 --> 00:54:10.440
Right.

1092
00:54:10.619 --> 00:54:13.960
He was the youngest of five and now he's a solo.

1093
00:54:14.179 --> 00:54:17.090
He's watched four of his brothers and sisters die over

1094
00:54:17.119 --> 00:54:24.409
the last six years. So, you know, I don't think

1095
00:54:24.449 --> 00:54:28.570
he really understands why all this disappearing happened. And especially

1096
00:54:28.590 --> 00:54:31.889
because when when Cray had died, I was in Korea

1097
00:54:32.829 --> 00:54:34.769
and his cat sitter had to take care of everything.

1098
00:54:34.809 --> 00:54:35.969
So that was kind of the first time he was

1099
00:54:36.030 --> 00:54:37.260
ever in the house alone.

1100
00:54:37.739 --> 00:54:38.159
Mm hmm.

1101
00:54:38.579 --> 00:54:40.559
To, you know, she was there all day at the

1102
00:54:40.619 --> 00:54:43.639
hospital until they had to put her down. And so

1103
00:54:45.059 --> 00:54:47.139
at first I was like begging the cat sitter, like,

1104
00:54:47.159 --> 00:54:48.800
can you stay with him a little bit longer? Because

1105
00:54:48.820 --> 00:54:51.460
he's never been alone. So now I'm afraid to leave

1106
00:54:51.480 --> 00:54:55.000
the house, too, because I'm afraid of leaving him. So

1107
00:54:55.079 --> 00:54:58.420
I'm always really apologetic when you do have to go.

1108
00:54:58.619 --> 00:55:00.440
Like when I have to go, you know, if I travel,

1109
00:55:00.480 --> 00:55:02.739
there's that because the I only have the cat sitter

1110
00:55:02.780 --> 00:55:04.400
come in the morning and the night, you know, for

1111
00:55:04.440 --> 00:55:06.699
feeding times. And she just comes long enough to play

1112
00:55:06.739 --> 00:55:09.880
with them and feed him. Um, although I always kind

1113
00:55:09.920 --> 00:55:13.219
of hint, like you can stay if you want, it's

1114
00:55:13.239 --> 00:55:15.059
like a selfish thing. Like you don't have to leave

1115
00:55:15.099 --> 00:55:18.159
right away. Um, but even like when I go to

1116
00:55:18.179 --> 00:55:19.559
the football game, like I know I'm going to be

1117
00:55:19.579 --> 00:55:21.900
gone for about three hours and stuff. And so I'm like,

1118
00:55:21.980 --> 00:55:24.559
I'm sorry, I'm going to be gone. And you know,

1119
00:55:24.579 --> 00:55:27.579
that's probably more for me than for him. But, um,

1120
00:55:29.360 --> 00:55:30.860
I can tell when it bothers him because when I

1121
00:55:30.909 --> 00:55:34.369
come home, he has that, that cussing tone where.

1122
00:55:34.389 --> 00:55:37.630
I come back and he's just like, you know.

1123
00:55:37.730 --> 00:55:39.780
You know, I mean, one thing that I think has

1124
00:55:39.800 --> 00:55:42.050
been improved for him is like he gets all the

1125
00:55:42.070 --> 00:55:44.869
cuddle time. He doesn't have to divide it anymore and stuff.

1126
00:55:45.769 --> 00:55:47.690
And so if I'm sitting, he's usually sitting with me.

1127
00:55:47.750 --> 00:55:49.710
If I'm laying down, he's usually laying down with me

1128
00:55:49.750 --> 00:55:51.880
and stuff. But he does yell at me when I

1129
00:55:51.920 --> 00:55:53.139
get up to pee in the middle of the night

1130
00:55:53.219 --> 00:55:54.940
because I've disturbed his slumber.

1131
00:55:55.000 --> 00:55:57.579
How could you? Don't you know? Hold it.

1132
00:55:58.059 --> 00:56:01.239
I'm an asshole. So, yeah, there's stuff like that. Like,

1133
00:56:01.320 --> 00:56:03.670
I think to a degree he helps my memory because

1134
00:56:03.730 --> 00:56:04.869
I know he's going to cuss me out if I

1135
00:56:04.909 --> 00:56:06.269
don't do something at the right time.

1136
00:56:06.840 --> 00:56:10.139
Osiris is so fine and even when I travel the

1137
00:56:10.179 --> 00:56:13.739
routine sticks so I'm somewhere else and he's where he's

1138
00:56:13.760 --> 00:56:15.760
supposed to be and it's like I'll get an Osiris

1139
00:56:15.780 --> 00:56:20.019
thought like ah it's yogurt time let's go eat some yogurt.

1140
00:56:19.880 --> 00:56:21.679
Well now I do something I never thought I would

1141
00:56:21.719 --> 00:56:24.039
do I have cameras in my apartment so that I

1142
00:56:24.059 --> 00:56:24.820
can watch him when.

1143
00:56:24.739 --> 00:56:27.179
I'm gone oh that's fun.

1144
00:56:27.590 --> 00:56:32.449
But also like for me to be so like anti-surveillance

1145
00:56:32.489 --> 00:56:34.929
state and here I am like literally doing something that

1146
00:56:35.010 --> 00:56:38.409
puts our data into the into the fucking thing. But

1147
00:56:38.489 --> 00:56:42.030
it's just like, if I'm traveling, I don't want to

1148
00:56:42.090 --> 00:56:44.440
not be able to see them. You know, I have

1149
00:56:44.519 --> 00:56:47.340
one by my it's unplugged when I'm home. But when

1150
00:56:47.599 --> 00:56:50.679
when I'm traveling, I plug in the one by my

1151
00:56:50.739 --> 00:56:52.420
bed so that I can watch them sleep at night.

1152
00:56:52.440 --> 00:56:55.719
Doesn't that give you comfort? It gives you comfort. It does.

1153
00:56:55.860 --> 00:56:57.760
And I can talk to them through it, too. So

1154
00:56:57.780 --> 00:57:00.110
which always freaks them out because they can't see me.

1155
00:57:00.119 --> 00:57:04.889
And all of a sudden I'm like, but I have

1156
00:57:04.969 --> 00:57:07.619
one above my desk that shoots out into the living

1157
00:57:07.659 --> 00:57:09.679
room area. And then I had one in the kitchen

1158
00:57:09.699 --> 00:57:11.360
that shoots the other way and stuff. So I just

1159
00:57:11.420 --> 00:57:14.440
kind of cycled through my cameras when I travel, but

1160
00:57:14.460 --> 00:57:16.300
I never thought I would do something like that. But

1161
00:57:16.760 --> 00:57:20.119
also I think it just helps me. I think it

1162
00:57:20.139 --> 00:57:23.139
just helps ground myself when I'm traveling to like, remember

1163
00:57:23.199 --> 00:57:24.550
I have to, this is what I have to come

1164
00:57:24.590 --> 00:57:29.409
back home to at some point. We did kind of

1165
00:57:29.429 --> 00:57:31.269
blow past some of the things that I thought I would,

1166
00:57:32.070 --> 00:57:38.929
remember to ask but that's podcasting baby before we get

1167
00:57:39.010 --> 00:57:41.929
out of here I wanted to see if there I

1168
00:57:41.969 --> 00:57:44.449
know we kind of sort of done it throughout this

1169
00:57:44.489 --> 00:57:47.750
thing but is there anything this week in particular that

1170
00:57:47.789 --> 00:57:52.260
you've done that has been like a helpful tool or

1171
00:57:53.460 --> 00:57:57.199
helped you process or helped you cope in something that

1172
00:57:57.400 --> 00:57:59.579
is kind of sort of specific to the last week.

1173
00:58:00.570 --> 00:58:05.010
You know, I'm going to be completely honest that only

1174
00:58:05.050 --> 00:58:09.909
because with, I've changed my relationship with substances.

1175
00:58:11.590 --> 00:58:13.630
That's the best way that I can put it. And

1176
00:58:13.690 --> 00:58:14.989
I'm in the beginning.

1177
00:58:14.610 --> 00:58:21.760
Stages of changing my relationship with non-productive tools.

1178
00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:24.500
Yeah.

1179
00:58:24.639 --> 00:58:28.400
Like I said, I'm just six months after moving to

1180
00:58:28.440 --> 00:58:35.449
a new neighborhood. My family is in Sacramento, mostly, and

1181
00:58:35.469 --> 00:58:39.190
that's an hour north on a levee road. I'm not

1182
00:58:39.230 --> 00:58:45.190
doing that every weekend. So I don't know. I think

1183
00:58:45.250 --> 00:58:49.250
that I didn't have healthy ways. I can look back

1184
00:58:49.289 --> 00:58:53.190
and reflect on that right now. I didn't have the language.

1185
00:58:53.269 --> 00:58:55.849
Like we mentioned before about my mom, I didn't have

1186
00:58:55.869 --> 00:58:59.079
an example of She kept a lot of hers stuck

1187
00:58:59.119 --> 00:59:01.500
to the chest. And then I'm really one of the

1188
00:59:01.559 --> 00:59:04.340
first in my arena to.

1189
00:59:03.590 --> 00:59:04.300
Go through this.

1190
00:59:05.230 --> 00:59:08.389
So it's hard for the worst nightmare to show up

1191
00:59:08.489 --> 00:59:11.599
to go out to party or hang out. And so

1192
00:59:12.000 --> 00:59:13.599
there were a lot of things that I did by

1193
00:59:13.639 --> 00:59:18.940
myself in my by myself-ness that nobody would ever need to.

1194
00:59:20.010 --> 00:59:20.510
Who would know?

1195
00:59:23.329 --> 00:59:28.550
That being, that said, I'm recently changed and switched to

1196
00:59:28.710 --> 00:59:30.949
more healthy ways. And one of those healthy ways is

1197
00:59:31.010 --> 00:59:35.070
coming from this podcast. People are being more vulnerable with me.

1198
00:59:35.789 --> 00:59:35.929
Oh.

1199
00:59:36.550 --> 00:59:39.070
And I match that share.

1200
00:59:39.090 --> 00:59:40.130
Okay.

1201
00:59:40.409 --> 00:59:43.469
Literally, I had a person reach out and tell me, look,

1202
00:59:43.510 --> 00:59:44.849
this is what my day was like.

1203
00:59:44.909 --> 00:59:47.889
And I said, you know what? Since you shared, I'm

1204
00:59:47.909 --> 00:59:48.380
going to share.

1205
00:59:48.530 --> 00:59:50.610
Oh, and you did that to me. You texted like,

1206
00:59:50.639 --> 00:59:52.280
this is what my day is going to be like.

1207
00:59:53.239 --> 00:59:55.039
You did that earlier this week or a couple of

1208
00:59:55.059 --> 00:59:55.460
days ago.

1209
00:59:56.320 --> 00:59:56.579
Okay.

1210
00:59:57.500 --> 00:59:57.940
I can see.

1211
00:59:58.559 --> 01:00:00.019
That's where I'm at. Yeah.

1212
01:00:02.099 --> 01:00:05.800
I think the show coming out, even though I've been

1213
01:00:05.860 --> 01:00:07.750
a podcaster and stuff like that, I think the show

1214
01:00:07.809 --> 01:00:10.150
coming out does make me feel like I'm on a

1215
01:00:10.230 --> 01:00:16.880
path towards something. Like I really needed to allow militantly

1216
01:00:16.909 --> 01:00:19.920
mixed to be complete so that I could get to this.

1217
01:00:20.000 --> 01:00:22.969
And now that that's both, these things have happened. I

1218
01:00:22.989 --> 01:00:26.489
allowed militantly mixed to be complete and I am moving

1219
01:00:26.530 --> 01:00:30.599
forward on this. I've gone into like hardcore productive mode

1220
01:00:30.659 --> 01:00:33.460
and I have not been very productive in quite a while.

1221
01:00:33.539 --> 01:00:37.760
And so I know you can tell from my messages

1222
01:00:37.780 --> 01:00:40.969
this week, like I'm working pretty often on something, some

1223
01:00:41.070 --> 01:00:45.130
element of this backend stuff or whatever the website is

1224
01:00:45.170 --> 01:00:47.949
now done. So if anybody wants to check it out,

1225
01:00:48.210 --> 01:00:53.159
stay at home widow.com, you can, gets access to the episodes.

1226
01:00:54.659 --> 01:00:56.780
We set us up on Spotify.

1227
01:00:56.800 --> 01:00:59.519
We're on Spotify and Apple and all of those things now.

1228
01:00:59.579 --> 01:01:02.690
So you can go directly to those podcasters or you

1229
01:01:02.710 --> 01:01:04.530
can go to our website and click it and it'll

1230
01:01:04.550 --> 01:01:08.269
send you that way. I created a membership tab. So

1231
01:01:08.289 --> 01:01:10.030
if you want to support the show and help us

1232
01:01:10.570 --> 01:01:13.630
with production costs and everything like that, I put that up.

1233
01:01:14.769 --> 01:01:17.250
I'm currently working on a resources tab that will have

1234
01:01:17.510 --> 01:01:19.690
some of the books and stuff that I've read and

1235
01:01:19.949 --> 01:01:21.989
any of the tools and stuff that you'll have will

1236
01:01:22.030 --> 01:01:24.650
go on there as well. But that, that part's in,

1237
01:01:24.909 --> 01:01:28.210
you know, in process at the moment. But, you know,

1238
01:01:28.230 --> 01:01:30.570
it was like getting the logistics stuff up, like, you know,

1239
01:01:30.590 --> 01:01:33.389
the YouTube stuff and, you know, all that kind of stuff.

1240
01:01:33.409 --> 01:01:36.409
I've been actively working on it in, in a kind

1241
01:01:36.429 --> 01:01:38.679
of an intense way that I haven't been like in

1242
01:01:38.699 --> 01:01:40.619
a while. And I'm not even sure I was fully

1243
01:01:40.659 --> 01:01:43.579
like this with militantly mixed because in the beginning, these

1244
01:01:43.619 --> 01:01:48.559
resources didn't exist, you know, podcasting resources. weren't the same

1245
01:01:48.619 --> 01:01:51.139
eight years ago as they are now. So there's a

1246
01:01:51.179 --> 01:01:56.329
lot more stuff to do now, unfortunately. So this show

1247
01:01:56.349 --> 01:01:59.010
has allowed me to be quite a bit more productive

1248
01:01:59.050 --> 01:02:04.010
this week. I've also taken at least five showers this week.

1249
01:02:05.739 --> 01:02:08.659
Two were on the same day, but, you know, like,

1250
01:02:09.440 --> 01:02:11.800
that kind of has come out of this too. Cause like,

1251
01:02:11.840 --> 01:02:13.579
if I know I'm about to be on camera, okay,

1252
01:02:13.619 --> 01:02:15.409
that means something that's going to get it.

1253
01:02:15.429 --> 01:02:16.889
That's what I told you. I said, I said, I'm

1254
01:02:16.909 --> 01:02:18.989
going to soak right up until the time.

1255
01:02:19.170 --> 01:02:23.030
And yeah, yeah. Water, water is, water is lit.

1256
01:02:23.269 --> 01:02:26.110
Yeah. As a grieving person. I moved to Seattle because

1257
01:02:26.130 --> 01:02:26.610
I was. Yeah.

1258
01:02:26.670 --> 01:02:29.590
Water is, I look, water is lit.

1259
01:02:29.630 --> 01:02:32.719
If you're grieving right now, find your water, whether it's

1260
01:02:32.760 --> 01:02:36.920
an ocean, a Creek, the rain, the tub, the shower.

1261
01:02:36.940 --> 01:02:43.889
Yeah. Actually, the original artwork I used before I had

1262
01:02:46.630 --> 01:02:49.110
kind of started to talk to you more about what

1263
01:02:49.150 --> 01:02:51.780
I wanted to do was originally just an ocean, like

1264
01:02:51.820 --> 01:02:52.480
an endless ocean.

1265
01:02:52.500 --> 01:02:53.800
Is that right? Yeah.

1266
01:02:55.030 --> 01:02:57.849
I think I pulled away from it a little bit

1267
01:02:57.889 --> 01:03:00.449
because I couldn't find the right ocean. It was either

1268
01:03:00.469 --> 01:03:02.769
going to be a too happy ocean or too sad ocean.

1269
01:03:02.789 --> 01:03:04.369
I couldn't find that happy medium.

1270
01:03:05.329 --> 01:03:06.789
You're all happy ocean.

1271
01:03:07.070 --> 01:03:09.250
Yeah. And then I started watching a couple of the

1272
01:03:09.309 --> 01:03:12.329
episodes of the fallout show on Amazon and Tristan used

1273
01:03:12.349 --> 01:03:15.150
to play that game, you know, and I was like,

1274
01:03:15.190 --> 01:03:21.199
you know what? There is a aesthetic that the post-apocalyptic

1275
01:03:21.460 --> 01:03:24.800
world that's 1950 style is And with this idea of

1276
01:03:24.860 --> 01:03:29.280
like stay at home, it, you know, like clicked into

1277
01:03:29.320 --> 01:03:31.559
place and I was like, oh, okay. So this like

1278
01:03:32.420 --> 01:03:37.050
kind of domestic, but broken down society artwork really started

1279
01:03:37.070 --> 01:03:39.769
to shine for me. And so I started sharing it

1280
01:03:39.809 --> 01:03:41.920
with you thinking like, when I first shared it to you,

1281
01:03:41.929 --> 01:03:43.750
I was like, oh, you're going to, you're going to

1282
01:03:43.769 --> 01:03:47.389
kick back. I'm like, what the fuck? But yeah.

1283
01:03:47.409 --> 01:03:49.170
I have one change. I have one change.

1284
01:03:49.289 --> 01:03:53.190
Yeah. Is the Monstera. The Monstera. Monstera.

1285
01:03:53.730 --> 01:03:54.510
Yeah.

1286
01:03:55.630 --> 01:03:58.269
Yeah. So yeah. So so far, this has been a

1287
01:03:58.289 --> 01:04:02.929
lot more productive of a week for me. And I

1288
01:04:03.090 --> 01:04:05.530
feel like what I talked about last week about like

1289
01:04:05.610 --> 01:04:08.650
it taking me so long. I mean, look, like emotionally,

1290
01:04:08.730 --> 01:04:11.389
we have been a lot more regulated this episode than

1291
01:04:11.409 --> 01:04:13.159
we were last time. Of course, that was our first

1292
01:04:13.260 --> 01:04:16.679
real big face, like kind of face to face on

1293
01:04:16.699 --> 01:04:20.159
camera anyway. Like we've talked on the phone, but we

1294
01:04:20.199 --> 01:04:20.619
haven't done.

1295
01:04:21.340 --> 01:04:22.260
I haven't seen you.

1296
01:04:22.559 --> 01:04:25.039
Yeah, we haven't seen each other. So I think that

1297
01:04:25.139 --> 01:04:29.500
added to the extra emotion last time. Today, I already

1298
01:04:29.559 --> 01:04:33.300
had an earlier time of day cry because I was.

1299
01:04:33.340 --> 01:04:36.619
Me too! You know. Me too. On my knees. Look,

1300
01:04:36.679 --> 01:04:41.860
on my knees all the way. Just... I miss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1301
01:04:42.059 --> 01:04:45.820
Oh, yeah. For me, it was the philosophy stuff and

1302
01:04:45.840 --> 01:04:48.090
that related to the dark matter because I was recording

1303
01:04:48.110 --> 01:04:50.449
that with my friend and I was like, don't cry

1304
01:04:50.530 --> 01:04:55.199
for fucking TV show philosophy, but it's literally what Tristan

1305
01:04:55.219 --> 01:04:57.960
did for a living. And it's, it's forcing me to

1306
01:04:58.000 --> 01:05:00.500
be like all those conversations that I would be like, uh-huh.

1307
01:05:00.539 --> 01:05:03.079
I'm paying attention, you know? And now I'm like, oh shit.

1308
01:05:03.119 --> 01:05:05.800
I actually remember some of this stuff. So I had

1309
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:06.880
some tears about that.

1310
01:05:07.139 --> 01:05:08.679
The professor, he was.

1311
01:05:08.800 --> 01:05:12.280
Yeah. I'm referring to myself as like professor by proxy

1312
01:05:12.420 --> 01:05:15.159
on that show because I'm like breaking down space time

1313
01:05:15.260 --> 01:05:18.400
and philosophy and shit like that, which is, wild that

1314
01:05:18.440 --> 01:05:21.739
i remember as much as i remember now because i

1315
01:05:21.780 --> 01:05:24.019
can't remember why i walked into the kitchen and the

1316
01:05:24.059 --> 01:05:27.199
kitchen in my living room is the same room i

1317
01:05:27.219 --> 01:05:31.000
live in a very tiny apartment so that didn't take

1318
01:05:31.039 --> 01:05:34.780
long yeah so it's just it's kind of weird that

1319
01:05:34.840 --> 01:05:36.699
sort of stuff so i think that's helped in terms

1320
01:05:36.739 --> 01:05:41.650
of being emotional today on this recording um but you

1321
01:05:41.690 --> 01:05:43.510
know sometimes we're going to get into some shit and

1322
01:05:43.530 --> 01:05:47.090
it's going to be heavy or whatever Um, but thank

1323
01:05:47.110 --> 01:05:49.329
you to everybody who's watched so far. I think so

1324
01:05:49.369 --> 01:05:51.849
far as majority have been people who have known us.

1325
01:05:52.550 --> 01:05:55.010
And so, and they may or may not have known

1326
01:05:55.050 --> 01:05:57.380
our person too. And so that's when a lot of

1327
01:05:57.400 --> 01:06:01.239
the con contact, um, there have been a few people that, uh,

1328
01:06:01.900 --> 01:06:04.719
are people I don't necessarily directly know, but they follow

1329
01:06:04.800 --> 01:06:07.699
some one show or another that I've been on and stuff. And,

1330
01:06:08.460 --> 01:06:09.820
and I, there was only one person that was a

1331
01:06:10.000 --> 01:06:12.960
full ass stranger to me that was commenting on our thing.

1332
01:06:13.000 --> 01:06:16.289
And I think they're just trying to sell us a service. Um, Oh, nice.

1333
01:06:16.429 --> 01:06:20.030
But they were still commenting, so engage. We'll take it.

1334
01:06:21.429 --> 01:06:24.300
But yeah, thank you to everybody who's watching. This is

1335
01:06:25.699 --> 01:06:28.599
really an unplanned journey because we don't really know how

1336
01:06:28.619 --> 01:06:31.320
we're going to do this all the time. It might

1337
01:06:31.360 --> 01:06:35.539
change over time. But for now, I think knowing that

1338
01:06:35.599 --> 01:06:41.889
we have created this outlet for ourselves, what's been missing

1339
01:06:41.969 --> 01:06:46.599
over the last two years has really been like a

1340
01:06:46.739 --> 01:06:50.480
continuous contact, you know, we've, we've, we have check-ins and

1341
01:06:50.519 --> 01:06:55.300
stuff like that, but we, we hadn't really been like

1342
01:06:55.519 --> 01:06:57.929
two pillars of support for each other type of thing.

1343
01:06:57.969 --> 01:07:02.210
And I think that is definitely been helpful to have

1344
01:07:02.269 --> 01:07:05.190
over the last month or so for sure for me anyway,

1345
01:07:05.489 --> 01:07:10.469
but everybody, please follow us on like click subscribe wherever

1346
01:07:10.530 --> 01:07:12.679
you are listening and are watching us. Cause that'll make

1347
01:07:12.719 --> 01:07:16.179
a difference for us. Because we are starting this from scratch, obviously,

1348
01:07:16.199 --> 01:07:18.539
you know, you're going to have those two followers, five

1349
01:07:18.599 --> 01:07:21.750
followers or whatever. The more you follow, the more people

1350
01:07:21.769 --> 01:07:24.090
will have access to us. Hopefully someone who would actually

1351
01:07:24.190 --> 01:07:24.730
need this.

1352
01:07:24.750 --> 01:07:25.730
Yes.

1353
01:07:25.750 --> 01:07:28.550
I'm sure you know a griever. You have to have

1354
01:07:28.610 --> 01:07:31.789
known a griever. And this might be a nice tool

1355
01:07:31.909 --> 01:07:34.389
or a helpful resource for them as well, because that

1356
01:07:34.469 --> 01:07:37.880
is always a goal of a lot of the type

1357
01:07:37.920 --> 01:07:39.460
of people you and I are. But the type of

1358
01:07:39.480 --> 01:07:41.539
work that we do tends to be of service people.

1359
01:07:42.929 --> 01:07:45.219
It tends to be of service to others.

1360
01:07:45.539 --> 01:07:49.739
Yeah. So help us do that. And still don't have

1361
01:07:49.780 --> 01:07:53.119
a proper closer yet, but we'll get there. We'll get there.

1362
01:07:53.659 --> 01:07:56.389
We're open. That's what matters.

1363
01:07:56.550 --> 01:08:00.130
Yeah, there we are. So thank you, everybody.

1364
01:08:00.429 --> 01:08:01.010
Thank you.

1365
01:08:01.769 --> 01:08:05.630
Well, now that's our show. Around here, we know grief

1366
01:08:05.690 --> 01:08:09.639
is a lot like laundry. You don't finish it. You

1367
01:08:09.679 --> 01:08:13.210
just keep finding more of it. Some days you fold it,

1368
01:08:13.670 --> 01:08:16.649
and some days it folds you. But the bills still

1369
01:08:16.670 --> 01:08:21.810
need paying, those dishes still need washing, and somehow tomorrow

1370
01:08:21.869 --> 01:08:23.409
still expects us to show up.

1371
01:08:24.680 --> 01:08:29.300
But that's all right. We'll keep connecting the dots. We'll

1372
01:08:29.359 --> 01:08:33.359
keep carrying both the grief and the joy.

1373
01:08:34.319 --> 01:08:37.479
This is Stay at Home Widow, navigating the fuckery of

1374
01:08:37.520 --> 01:08:39.319
grief one load at a time.

1375
01:08:40.119 --> 01:08:42.420
Join us on the first Wednesday of every month.

1376
01:08:43.399 --> 01:08:46.109
And until then, be gentle with yourself.