Welcome to the Fuck3ry of Grief

Sharmane Fury  00:38

Welcome to Stay at Home Widow, the podcast where two lifelong friends talk about rebuilding ourselves after the sudden and unexpected deaths of our husbands and maneuvering the fuckery of grief. I am Sharmane Fury, and this is my lifelong friend VonAdi. Before we get into this, what this show is about, I just want to put out a little disclaimer.

 

Sharmane Fury  00:59

We are both widows speaking from our own lived experiences. We are not therapists, life coach, medical professionals, grief experts. Anything that sounds like advice is simply us sharing what has worked for us, what has not worked for us, and what we are still learning. Everyone's grief is different, and nothing we say is meant to be taken as absolute fact for all grief experiences, is that fair?

 

LaVonna  01:26

Very fair.

 

Sharmane Fury  01:27

So I've been thinking about doing a grief-related podcast because this is how I process any of my things. I'm a podcaster, and for every single thing that happens in my life. I try to figure out how to make a podcast out of it, but obviously in the beginning it was too early to to try to get into this thing. And over the last few years, or two years, two and a half years, I have attempted to get back into my old shows, and I just cannot. My heart's just not present for it, and I have felt like it's not present and it's not going to happen until I work through some of this grief stuff in podcast form because that's how I worked through all my other stuff in the past. As I said early on, this is a lifelong friend of mine, VonAdi. We met when I was in the fourth grade, and technically you were in the sixth grade,

 

LaVonna  02:26

right?

 

Sharmane Fury  02:27

Even though we're the same age, and we have been kind of a part of each other's lives, really ever since.

 

LaVonna  02:36

Yeah, bridge people. We're bridged by people. We're the bridge.

 

Sharmane Fury  02:40

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So a little background on the both of us before we get into the topic of this show is we met when we were children. Your brother, he was in my class, and that's part of the way we were joined. And then you became best friends with my cousin, yes, and that was another way we were joined, and so we've been part of the bridge. We've been in and out each other's lives, and then in at the end of fifth grade, I moved to Long Beach to be with my dad's side of the family. And in the time that  I disappeared, my husband showed up in your life, and

 

LaVonna  03:18

Like not just showed up was like one of those. He can come in the house without knocking.

 

Sharmane Fury  03:23

Yeah, yeah.  And so by the time I came back to live with my mom's side, Tristan was in my life because he was in your life.

 

LaVonna  03:34

Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  03:35

right off the jump. And there was only friendship in the beginning for us. We were we were just joined by the fact that we know the same people and we sat at the same table, not knowing that seven years down the line we were going to end up together and that was going to be that. Your parents have always been my other parents, you know. I I call I have called your father, "uncle" because he had everybody call him uncle.

 

LaVonna  04:07

Right, he goes by uncle. Uncle Buzz.

 

Sharmane Fury  04:09

But I always think of him as like my my backup dad because I didn't have a good one. And he, if anybody, I didn't expect to get emotional that fast.

 

LaVonna  04:20

Because it's him. Because it's him too.

 

Sharmane Fury  04:23

Yeah. If anybody been a dad in my life, it was your dad and your mom. I don't know if I ever told you the story of how she found out Tristan  and I were together, but I'm gonna tell you on this podcast eventually because it's hilarious.

 

LaVonna  04:39

Oh wow.

 

Sharmane Fury  04:40

But anyways, that's not what the show's about.

 

LaVonna  04:43

She's perceptive that one.

 

Sharmane Fury  04:46

We so we've been a part of each other's lives forever. We don't. We're the kind of friends that we don't see each other often. Like I think the last time I saw you was was it when I passed through Arizona on the way to move to. Houston,

 

LaVonna  05:01

and see, I would-I don't even remember that. I can't even recall. I can't remember.

 

Sharmane Fury  05:06

Memory memory has disappeared. I was-I was thinking about. I was like actively thinking about it recently because I was like, "How...

 

LaVonna  05:12

that makes sense?

 

Sharmane Fury  05:14

When...

 

LaVonna  05:14

Because we would see each other on a pass through usually.

 

Sharmane Fury  05:16

Yeah, and because Tris and I cross country so many damn times. We always managed to go through when you were living in Arizona. We always managed to go through there so that we could have one a place to rest, but two a chance to see. Because

 

LaVonna  05:29

I love cats. Because I love cats, and you knew I would welcome y'all.

 

Sharmane Fury  05:33

That's right. That's right. That's when we had.

 

LaVonna  05:35

That's right. Yes.

 

Sharmane Fury  05:36

Oh my gosh.

 

Sharmane Fury  05:37

We drove cross country from Massachusetts to California in a Nissan Sentra with three people and five cats, and so we had to stop off wherever we knew.

 

LaVonna  05:51

Oh for sure.

 

Sharmane Fury  05:52

Yeah. So we stopped off with you. So we we've been in each other's lives forever. Even though I don't see your kids often, I have thought about them as like my niece and nephew because we're family, but we also have a very strange connection into like, are we sisters? Are we cousins? Are we friends? You know, what's our whole deal? And then this horrible thing happened.

 

Sharmane Fury  06:17

11 months apart, you and I both lost our husbands, and it was not a club I wanted to welcome you into. And it has taken me time to even to be able to talk to you about it. I thought it was going to be able to be there from jump, but it was pretty triggering in the beginning. And I immediately understood.

 

LaVonna  06:41

That's okay. I immediately understood.

 

Sharmane Fury  06:45

Yeah, I mean, and

 

LaVonna  06:46

I never wanted you to have to go through what you went through.

 

Sharmane Fury  06:51

I think that was

 

LaVonna  06:51

My heart was still breaking for you.

 

Sharmane Fury  06:54

Yeah, it was because you lost a brother, kind of too. Like in losing Tristan, whatever your relationship to Tristan is the same as kind of ours. It's you know we're family, but we're friends. You were also Tristan's dream girl, so there's that.

 

LaVonna  07:10

No tree, no tree, no.

 

Sharmane Fury  07:13

Bad Tree. So that was that too. So we've just been interconnected in each other's lives, and this horrible thing happened to the both of us, and I'm 11 months ahead of you in in the game. But where I am and where I was when you lost your husband has changed, and I'm finally at a place where even though I'm gonna cry, I need I need to have a show so I can talk through this because I I can't do this like by myself in my little apartment, and so we started chatting about it. And I was afraid to ask you if you'd want to do like yeah I was because I thought like like of course as a podcaster I don't have a problem being out there on Front Street at about stuff which is so crazy, because when we first met, I was hella guarded, and for years when we first knew each other, I was hella guarded. But now I'm like, I tell my whole business on the internet. I can't believe I do that now. So it's natural for me to think I could talk through something heavy on the internet. But you know, I don't expect everybody to be like that, you know.

 

LaVonna  08:24

Oh, and I'm nervous. Make no mistake. I'm very private. Like I'm, I'm more of a sunshine person. I post positive, lovely, uplifting, no sadness, no pain, nothing ever. You know, and so I. This is something I. I'm. I must do.

 

Sharmane Fury  08:44

 You know what?

 

LaVonna  08:45

I must. I must process.

 

Sharmane Fury  08:48

I would go on the limb to say that even if you are posting about your grief, it's not necessarily not a sunshine post,

 

LaVonna  08:59

right?

 

Sharmane Fury  09:00

Because grief is the mark that there was somebody in our life that meant so much that that we are grieving them. Because there are plenty of people in my life that died that I don't grieve.

 

LaVonna  09:12

So true. My

 

Sharmane Fury  09:13

My biological father being one of them.

 

LaVonna  09:15

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  09:16

Your father's death was the first major human death of my life, and I didn't get to be there immediately after either, and stuff like that too. So that was tough for Tristan and I both. That was tough because we would want to be there for y'all, but we also wanted to be there for us too.

 

LaVonna  09:36

Right? Oh no, definitely.

 

Sharmane Fury  09:38

So yeah, I was nervous to bring it up to you only because, or I guess the way I strategically brought it up was, "Hey, I'm gonna do this thing. Do you think this is a weird thing for me to do? And in the process of us kind of going back and forth about that, it was like, "Will you do this with me?

 

LaVonna  09:58

I'm like, Yeah!

 

Sharmane Fury  10:00

You know, I don't want to just be a one head on a screen talking about how sad I am all the time. But I think there's a lot of stuff that people don't understand about grievers. I think for people who know us that might be willing to watch this, they'll learn a lot about how to deal with this because I do think like people have to deal with us now because we're so uncomfortable about grief as a society that I can tell someone doesn't want me around even though they love me.

 

LaVonna  10:31

No, it's literally what I wrote the other day. I know you care. I know you love me, but it's just the apprehension that I might grieve on you.

 

Sharmane Fury  10:39

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  10:41

I can so there's some avoidance,

 

Sharmane Fury  10:43

Or that we generally feel like we have to hide from it. And for me, I mean, I'm a Mixed Black Japanese British person. I was raised by two very stoic grandmothers that come from very stoic cultures. On the British side, waste not, want not, stiff upper lip. On the Japanese side. No one knows our business, including our family. You know, like we don't tell anybody anything, but we also are taught like honor honorable life includes not being overly emotional and stuff like that in front of people because you because you don't want to tell your business, and and then on the Black side, we're fucking very expressive, but we're military Black, so we also have

 

LaVonna  11:27

the control. Yeah, control to that.

 

Sharmane Fury  11:31

So fighting against all of that as a griever, I've just I'm I'm just a completely different person now. So yeah. yeah, I I didn't think this was a thing that was going to be easy for me to do alone. I'm so grateful to you that you want to do it too. But I also think, and you and I both said this, we're both stuck.

 

LaVonna  11:55

Yeah.

 

Sharmane Fury  11:55

and we can't...

 

LaVonna  11:56

This is my path to get forward.

 

Sharmane Fury  11:57

do the next thing,

 

LaVonna  11:59

literally, we

 

Sharmane Fury  11:59

cause we are stuck.

 

LaVonna  12:00

This is this is in the way. So there's a marriage.

 

Sharmane Fury  12:04

Yeah, I think also our community. We're so used to grief because of what happened to our people.

 

LaVonna  12:14

Anyway,

 

Sharmane Fury  12:15

that it's it's so like all right,

 

LaVonna  12:18

right. There's an undertone. We're already existing on the platform of it anyway. There's already a sadness.

 

Sharmane Fury  12:24

Yes, it's like all right. You're sad, so go to work. All right, you're sad in the house. You know,

 

LaVonna  12:32

Live your life, get degrees, right? Just do it sad, right?

 

Sharmane Fury  12:36

Do that, and and we'll be better. And I I know that's not going to work for me, and I would like to get to the stage where I feel like I can be out there again. But to do that, I think I need to talk about this, and I need to open up. I need to create a language because that language we were talking about earlier. We were trying to figure out how to explain this show, and we're like, what are the fucking words?

 

LaVonna  13:00

Literally, how do you explain it.

 

Sharmane Fury  13:01

What are your fucking words, right, to express this? And um,

 

LaVonna  13:11

because what are we doing? Are we rebuilding? Are we recreating? Are we are we maneuvering? Are we we

 

Sharmane Fury  13:16

moving forward or moving on?

 

LaVonna  13:19

Forward or moving on? Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  13:21

and everything that's already in existence that we say, I hate. I hate "moving on" because no, that's not happening. I I can live with "moving forward" because time is just gonna move forward whether I'm ready for it or not. But "moving on" is is bullshit, and everybody needs to shut the fuck up about that.

 

LaVonna  13:39

"Letting go."

 

Sharmane Fury  13:40

"Letting go." How how and why? How, and why would I let go?

 

LaVonna  13:49

Right. No.

 

Sharmane Fury  13:51

This person who has been in my life since I was 15 years old, has been my partner in life since I was 22, and then died three days before my 46th birthday. How do I let that go? And why would I want to?

 

LaVonna  14:06

Why would you want to?

 

Sharmane Fury  14:08

Yeah, I hate that language. I hate passed away because it wasn't gentle. And I just want to find new language, and I want that language to work in our community too.

 

LaVonna  14:22

True. You know, for me, this is is permission. I got to give myself more permission.

 

Sharmane Fury  14:32

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  14:33

to have the language to explore language options, and for people to have their own different ways about it.

 

Sharmane Fury  14:39

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  14:40

but not but not run from it.

 

Sharmane Fury  14:42

Yeah. So, as much as we can have a plan, I feel like as we talk through some of this stuff, it's going to open up other doors. I am a natural dark joke teller and/or laugher when I talk about something horrible. Um. Obviously, that's some kind of defense mechanism, but it doesn't come off great to people who don't get it. But I'm just going to give myself permission to have a natural conversation with my friend who is going through this horrible thing that I'm also going through, and in the process of us working through what we have to work through, I hope it is helpful to Black and Brown women in particular, because we don't have fucking hardly any resources out there from our community perspectives that isn't kind of a toxic positivity version of this new life you can have as a widow.

 

LaVonna  15:42

It's very like like the the things that I've gotten. Again, no no disrespect. Have just been very soft and glazy. Your your husband's died, and this is what you need to remember the moments.

 

Sharmane Fury  15:55

Yeah,you're so strong. Yeah.

 

LaVonna  16:00

 It's invisible harp.

 

Sharmane Fury  16:02

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  16:02

Is as far as we get, and there's not. Where's can can we talk about the fuckery?

 

Sharmane Fury  16:08

Yeah, and honestly, like with the people who love us and the people we love, I want to be able to show you that I'm fucking pissed off today that my husband's dead, or that I'm really extra sad because of a story I thought of, and I can't relive that story with somebody because I'll have to give you all kinds of context before. Even though this would be something Tristan and I would be like, remember when blah blah blah blah blah, you know.

 

LaVonna  16:37

Or smelling something, smelling yeah the sense of smell.

 

Sharmane Fury  16:42

Yeah, that one sucks. That one that one sucks a lot. And I think also, I have to let myself be okay with the fact that I'm gonna cry all the time in front of people,

 

LaVonna  17:02

Right?

 

Sharmane Fury  17:03

I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it, and I can't control it. And so I just, I keep talking like it's not actually visible to the person in front of me,

 

LaVonna  17:14

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  17:15

And actually, that kind of helps me get through it.

 

LaVonna  17:17

I think it helps us too.

 

LaVonna  17:19

Yeah, yeah. Um. but I'm glad that we're on this journey together. In that we have to, not because like I wouldn't wish this on us.

 

LaVonna  17:33

No.

 

Sharmane Fury  17:34

But since we're already here,

 

LaVonna  17:35

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  17:37

And by journey, I I mean the podcast, not not being a widow, of course, but yeah, that's that's where I'm at.

 

LaVonna  17:47

I like it.

 

Sharmane Fury  17:48

Where are you at?

 

LaVonna  17:50

Oh.

 

Sharmane Fury  17:51

Still nervous?

 

LaVonna  17:53

Oh, for sure. I probably will be for a while, but no, like mainly for me is I. I think that I had a very strong brand is the best way that I could describe it of being strong and carrying on and moving forward. Dealing with Autumn being ill, you know, having a sick child. I said it in on multiple occasions. I felt like I had an interaction with death because of the illness that she had. That's what we were always doing, trying to keep her from death. And so,

 

Sharmane Fury  18:29

You were having to pre-grieve her from practically the day she was born.

 

LaVonna  18:34

Literally the day. No, no, before because remember her? She was born because they thought she would die inside me, like literally.

 

Sharmane Fury  18:41

Oh gosh, I don't remember.

 

LaVonna  18:41

So, I've had this death mingling for 18 years, or more than 18 years, but just with raising her, and so my personality had this level of strength. I guess you could say resilience, resolve, because what problems do I have that's greater than what could happen with her?

 

Sharmane Fury  19:05

Right.

 

LaVonna  19:06

I too struggle with my dad's passing. I would say for a strong 12 years, that grief level was the same. Like it took 12 years for it to. It gets easier. 12 years for me. Yeah. Same. Like 12 years before I could say it gets easier, it was some BS up until then. Every single day without Leonard, like this is a BS.

 

LaVonna  19:27

The other day, because this is like that Father's Day period, it randomly pictures of him pop up for me on my memories because around Father's Day is when I would usually post about your dad, right? So, because you know, I didn't have a dad that I cared that much about. He was abusive and stuff like that, and he's dead now, so it's fine. But when your dad died, I would I would always write something about how like sometimes there's men in your life that are your fathers that aren't your dads, or they're they're your dads, but they're not your fathers. You know the opposite way, and um. And so I would always write this thing. So there's this picture of him and I that I love from my wedding, and it I think that picture encapsulates our relation, our entire relationship enough that at my wedding, the people that didn't know all of us, like my coworkers or something like that, were coming. They were like, "I thought your dad was dead, and I was like, "Yeah, he is." They're like, you've been dancing with that that man the whole time. I was like, no, that's my backup dad. You know, like that's my not my dad, dad. But um, there's this picture of the two of us, and I just feel like that's that was us. That was our relationship.

 

LaVonna  20:34

I love that picture. Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  20:36

and so it keeps popping up in my fucking memories, like, and I'm like, you know what? I I don't have room to be said every day about every about these two men.

 

LaVonna  20:46

Tell me about it.

 

Sharmane Fury  20:47

that I love so much.

 

LaVonna  20:48

Tell me about it.

 

Sharmane Fury  20:48

But yeah, he's been popping up lately a lot on my on my page.

 

LaVonna  20:54

Right. I think I think for me, so like what this is doing for me with with that, and then having to go through Bre t's death, it it cracked my notions about life.

 

Sharmane Fury  21:11

Yeah, like

 

LaVonna  21:12

all these, I had I thought I had a pretty solid understanding of death. I I thought I had a pretty solid understanding of grief.

 

Sharmane Fury  21:20

Right.

 

LaVonna  21:21

and and this one in particular, being a witness to it happening,

 

Sharmane Fury  21:25

Yeah

 

LaVonna  21:26

just it cracked my perception on everything, and so I had no language to really always explain why I couldn't, why I didn't, why I'm not with the people that I love and care about.

 

Sharmane Fury  21:39

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  21:39

I didn't always know I wasn't doing something. I didn't always know I couldn't do something. The number of times I flashed on my sister in the past year should probably be studied. You know, she she caught a lot of heat.

 

Sharmane Fury  21:57

Yeah,

 

LaVonna  21:57

just with my tolerance changing. So this is kind of giving me an avenue to explain, but also I want to leave a ladder, you know, kind of like like the emergency ladders you have if you live really high, but not too high, you know, of a building, you know, a little three-story ladder, you know what I mean? I kind of want to, I want to move forward, but I kind of want to leave a ladder, you know what I mean, for others to get out of that fire.

 

Sharmane Fury  22:24

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  22:24

when when the heat of this kind of really kicks in,

 

Sharmane Fury  22:28

like on the airplane when they say put your own mask on for in the event of an emergency, put your own mask on first before you help somebody else.

 

LaVonna  22:36

Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  22:36

because you can't help someone when you're not safe yourself and the way I have learned to understand that fucking airplane analogy over the last couple years, I think I was thinking about that when I was when I had finally realized that I wasn't being present for you in in the way that I wanted to. Like, forget about what should, could, whatever. I wanted to be there because I knew what the experience was like for me, but it was so soon after Tristan that like some of the stuff you would tell me put me right back to those moments, and and I couldn't do it. And so there was a I think that was when it kind of hit me at some point. Maybe I went on a trip or something, because after that I had texted you something like, "I realize I'm not always going to be able to be present like I expected to be for you because it's triggering, and I I hate that, but I feel like I need to tell you so that I'm not just another dick that disappeared on you, you know, like because that was something I felt as like a lot of people just disappeared after, and I think it's a combination of oh, good, I don't have to talk to Sharmane anymore because I prefer Tristan, but I also think it's like I don't know how to deal with sad Sharmane because Sharmane is always the one that doesn't show emotion,

 

LaVonna  24:01

right? But generationally, not

 

Sharmane Fury  24:06

yeah,

 

LaVonna  24:06

like strong.

 

Sharmane Fury  24:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, like, I did have some people go like, I can't believe I've seen you cry or some shit like that or whatever. I'm like, you obviously haven't listened to Militantly Mixed because I'd be crying on that show a lot too. I didn't expect that either, but yeah, like the stoic version of me, that person gone, gone. I try to perform it as much as I can, but yeah, that person's gone. So you're just gonna get these emotions, and you know, if you disappeared on me, okay, you disappeared, but I needed you to know there was no chance of disappearing. It was just that where I could handle it,

 

LaVonna  24:48

right?

 

Sharmane Fury  24:49

I would try, but you know,

 

LaVonna  24:50

I think I understood like immediately.

 

Sharmane Fury  24:53

You did respond, and

 

LaVonna  24:55

and and you helped me with language. You know, you helped me. Learn how to approach you, like learn ways, because I would ask you questions to make sure, like is this okay? It am I mindful of triggering you because I know, but you're also giving me language to tell other people because there's an education component where people literally, literally just don't know what to say, so they say the stupid thing that they heard someone else say, or they heard on TV, or in a movie, or whatever. But you help give me a language that I could like press on to others. You know, like we got. I had. I don't know how to describe it, but I instantly understood. You know, I've also witnessed my mom grieve my dad in such a way that was that has been completely stoic. I've never seen her cry over him.

 

Sharmane Fury  25:44

I was stunned.

 

LaVonna  25:45

I still have not seen her cry over him,

 

Sharmane Fury  25:48

and she has to have done so.

 

LaVonna  25:50

Of course, but it's she is to the chest.

 

Sharmane Fury  25:54

Yeah,

 

LaVonna  25:55

yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  25:56

yeah. Even Tristan and I, we stayed with her once. I want to say it's probably a good four or five years since, or whatever. But we went back to the house, and we we had stayed with her while we were there. And at some point, Tristan looked over at me, and he's like, "It's almost like she doesn't remember she used to be married.

 

LaVonna  26:16

Yeah.

 

Sharmane Fury  26:17

and you know, just because he was expecting big emotions, but like, when have you ever seen her have big emotions? You know, but I do remember us talking about that afterwards, like how surprised we were that we didn't see evidence of her being a widow, right? Kind of, you know. Yeah, that was a big. I felt like I understood what being sad was because I've generally I'm generally a sad person. Like I'm just kind of a gloomy person. Like I'm a happy, sad person. Like in the way that a person with depression, like myself, is always depressed, but sometimes we exhibit joy and experience joy. I'm just a sad person. Like that's been my whole thing. I always have a cloud over my head. That's that's the that's the vibe. But I experience joy. I allow myself to have joy and stuff like that too, but after your father died, I thought I knew how to be sad about someone who wasn't here anymore. Lies, the lies, the lies we tell ourselves. I was the

 

LaVonna  27:35

struggle I had over that man being gone.

 

Sharmane Fury  27:38

Yeah, it was. I mean, you're his actual child, but for me, how heavy I was experiencing grief on the other side of the country, and thinking that's the worst it could ever feel.

 

LaVonna  27:52

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  27:52

And then Tristan died, and I thought I was gonna die every day from being sad.

 

LaVonna  27:59

Yeah. No, yeah.

 

Sharmane Fury  28:01

Stunned.

 

LaVonna  28:02

No, there, there were moments in in my in my breakdowns where I'm like crying so hard, like, okay, I know I'm impacting organs. I know I'm impacting my health,

 

Sharmane Fury  28:14

right? Your whole body hurts.

 

LaVonna  28:16

I'm literally, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's it's gut wrenching. Oh, I know the meaning of that. You know what I mean? All these, all these phrases. You know what I mean? Sick with grief. You know, although

 

Sharmane Fury  28:29

yeah.

 

LaVonna  28:30

Oh, I know that. All cried out. Holy smokes!

 

Sharmane Fury  28:34

Right. I

 

LaVonna  28:35

never knew you could dry heave cry like you're crying and literally not. Oh. liquid grief! Like all drooling, like I'm just instant. I'm not even really sobbing, but it's just liquid coming out of my mouth, my nose, my ears. I didn't know you could cry through your ears. I felt like I cried so much. I cried my ears out. Like, what is this liquid earwax? Like so much.

 

Sharmane Fury  29:03

The way your body changes after grief is

 

LaVonna  29:06

Yes

 

Sharmane Fury  29:06

insane. Yes, and nobody has ever mentioned to me at some point you're gonna physically feel your heart

 

LaVonna  29:17

Yes.

 

Sharmane Fury  29:17

or you're gonna physically feel your gut or whatever wherever you're storing the stress of that, it's gonna sit there and do this on you, and you're not doing shit

 

LaVonna  29:29

at all.

 

Sharmane Fury  29:29

You're just sitting there, like I've just been sitting watching TV. You're telling me something in the middle of my body is doing.

 

LaVonna  29:34

Wait, wait, wait I'm just sitting here, and all of a sudden, I'm drooling and just seeping, like I'm seeping liquid, like that's never told, or waking

 

Sharmane Fury  29:43

up, waking yourself up crying,

 

LaVonna  29:46

waking up knowing you cried all night, or realizing like you've cried all night.

 

Sharmane Fury  29:51

No one has ever had a conversation like that with me, and and and I know, I feel like I know, I feel like I know majority of us have never been told that if you lose your partner, it's not going to feel like any other grief you've experienced.

 

LaVonna  30:12

Different grief.

 

Sharmane Fury  30:13

It's completely different. It's almost like saying it comes from a different part of your body, but that's not quite what I mean. It's more like wherever your emotions sit, it's coming from a different part of that emotion. You know, like it's it's so hard to talk about, and I need the language for it. And I was saying to you off camera that when I started Militantly Mixed, there really wasn't language. We didn't really have community based language about being a Mixed person. You know, there was some of the kind of monolithic things like you know being Mixed versus multiracial or whatever people want to say, and over the course of my show, especially since it was the first long form Mixed podcast, I was coming up with words on the fly in conversation.

 

LaVonna  30:57

Creating it together. Yeah, I remember hearing that.

 

Sharmane Fury  31:01

some people would say something, and I'd be like, "Oh my gosh, that was not a perspective about Mixed I ever had. And now I got to look at myself and see how it is. And in the way that that show helped me come to terms with stuff I didn't even think I was struggling with as a Mixed person, I thought I was a pretty comfortable in my mixedness type of person. You know, it's not like I didn't know I was Mixed. I grew up with two biracial parents. You know, I grew up with all my grandparent, almost all my grandparents. I have a grandfather I don't know. You know, I thought I know what's like. I'm used to it. You know, and then I did that show, and it was like, oh shit, I got to go to therapy about that. You know, like there was all these things I was learning through other people's experiences, and that whatever that thing is, I have recreated a version of that across a bunch of my different issues and/or interests through podcasting. And so that's why I was like, I need to do a show about this because I need a grief show to do for me what the Mixed show did for my Mixed. I like because I don't need the Mixed. I don't think I need the mix this thing anymore. Like I did that show for since 2018. I got a big community around it. I feel fairly confident that if some issue pops up, I'll be like, oh damn, I know people I could talk to about this now. I have started to develop some grief friends, but everybody's grief is different, right? Like one of my closest grief friends, it's it's a sibling that she lost, you know.

 

LaVonna  32:32

Okay.

 

Sharmane Fury  32:33

So it's not the same, but it is the same. You know, there's things we could talk about, but it's not quite the same. And I don't want to sit there and try. I'm sure you've had this, where someone who is also a griefer says, "I can't even imagine what you're going through, or like your grief is worse, and then it becomes a sadness Olympics in the way like oppression Olympics happen, right? Like my sad is more than your sad, and I don't want any. I did in the beginning. In the beginning, when someone tell me about someone else that died in their life, I'd be like, "Fuck you! You don't know what this is like, and I was pissed out.

 

LaVonna  33:09

You know what? Straight up, all the time. That's a real anger, though. That's a real feeling.

 

Sharmane Fury  33:14

Yeah, enough to be like, "I'll never talk to this motherfucker again, because he tried to tell me, you know, like whatever it was, upset me to my core. Right at this point, where I'm a little bit over two and a half years out, I get it. It might not be the right thing to say. It's that it's that you're not wrong, but you're not right type of situation. So I don't want to say I know what someone who lost their sibling that they were really close to feels like I guess I could understand that we're both sad from the loss of someone that is permanent, but that might not always be the right conversation for me to be having to work through what's going on in here, which is why I think, as shitty as it is, I needed to do this with you, even if, even if we never put it up. You know.

 

LaVonna  34:11

You know what? You're my great friend. This is the

 

Sharmane Fury  34:14

The only one?

 

LaVonna  34:15

literally.

 

Sharmane Fury  34:16

Really?

 

LaVonna  34:17

Oh,

 

Sharmane Fury  34:19

Fuck!

 

LaVonna  34:20

It's been brutal, and and part of part of that is I I realize I didn't allow for an avenue of sadness in my circle. I don't know if that's an ADD thing, an upbringing thing. Like again, I I tend to be Winnie the Pooh and Tigger like. You know what I mean? Like, I tend to put out rosiness. I can't do that now. Now I got to be. I'll just be like, "How are you? I'm sad today. Shit,

 

Sharmane Fury  34:51

right?

 

LaVonna  34:51

Today's a sad day, and I'll say that to whomever that catches me. I'm not really good at reaching out to tell them that, but no, I. Yeah, I don't know. That's it's been a solo bolo game right now. It's hard to be the first one out. Yeah, I I surrounded myself with good married people. Everybody married.

 

Sharmane Fury  35:17

That sucks.

 

LaVonna  35:18

Everybody saying Happy Father's Day to their husbands.

 

Sharmane Fury  35:22

Yeah,

 

LaVonna  35:22

you know everybody celebrating decades long at anniversaries. Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  35:27

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  35:27

Youu know everybody, our uncles, aunties, friends, everybody married,

 

Sharmane Fury  35:32

and you have to come to terms with like I'm not unhappy for you.

 

LaVonna  35:36

No, I'm glad.

 

Sharmane Fury  35:37

I'm glad for you.

 

LaVonna  35:38

Happy fucking anniversary and tell her fucker Happy Father's Day.

 

Sharmane Fury  35:42

You know but at the same time, I'm like, I don't want to see it right now. Like, I don't want to not know what's going on in your life. But goddamn, do I not want to see you happy right now because your partne is there? You know, it does not mean like anything bad towards the person. It's it's just it's all in here. It's all-it's all internal. These moments, and like, I wish I knew about that before because the amount of feeling bad for the kind of thoughts that have just popped into my head when someone is celebrating something, has been a real disappointment to me as a person, right?

 

LaVonna  36:23

Right. Like I thought you were better than that.

 

Sharmane Fury  36:25

Yes, I thought I was better than this. And you know what? It's fine. I have enough removal to be like it's okay that I have those knee jerk reaction feelings because the worst thing happened. Yeah. And I'm not gonna get it back, even if I partnered again. Which, if you know me, I was very unlikely I didn't want to partner the first time. I got trapped. No, I'm joking. I went kicking and screaming into that relationship. I hated that I fell in love with somebody. I was so mad because I was gonna be solo dolo my whole life. I saw toxic relationships growing up.

 

LaVonna  37:03

Not with Tree coming for you.

 

Sharmane Fury  37:06

So yeah, I struggled. Our first six months was him trying to convince me it was okay to be in love. It sucked in the beginning for me. So it was that hard for me to do it the first time, and I got to sit in that for 24 years, I'm not doing that shit again.

 

LaVonna  37:26

Yeah.

 

Sharmane Fury  37:27

If anything, it'll have to be a very casual companionship because I'm not going to go through, the goods and the bads of our relationship, and grief when they die, because of course they're gonna die on me. Seems like the of course.

 

LaVonna  37:45

You know what? The of course they're gonna die, Sharmane. Break. I don't know. We can come back to it, but I think I got slapped in the face with my entitlement to other person, another person's life.

 

Sharmane Fury  37:58

I'm gonna write it down so we remember to talk about it.

 

LaVonna  38:00

Entitlement to another person's life.

 

Sharmane Fury  38:05

Yeah

 

LaVonna  38:08

Yeah, you're right. To go through it again that deeply.

 

Sharmane Fury  38:11

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  38:12

That open for another, knowing that somebody's gonna go.

 

Sharmane Fury  38:16

Yeah, he was the first person that I I truly had to become vulnerable with because I had blocked vulnerability across all my relationship friendship you know everything every relationship I had I would block vulnerability and throughout time I remember thinking like he was softening me which was a disappointment because like now I'm going to sit here and be upset in front of a friend of mine about something, anything, you know, whatever. And now there is something about grieving my partner that makes me feel. I hate that I'm about to admit this out loud. Like, obviously, I love my person more than you love your person because you don't know what it's like to lose your person, and I know what it's like to lose my person, and I'm thinking about that person every day, and knowing I'm never gonna see them again. I guess that's the entitlement, the entitlement there too, entitlement to grief. But yeah, I won't, I won't do this shit again. But that that level of immediate disconnect to a person, nothing could have prepared me for it. I say your father was the first human loss that I ever experienced in a heavy way because my my dad had died years before that, but he was already dead to me, so it wasn't like I literally no tears. I had no problem with my dad dying, but when your dad died, it was my. First human version of that, and then Tristan and I, over the course of our relationship, have had six cats, and now I'm down to one of those six.

 

LaVonna  40:08

More grief.

 

Sharmane Fury  40:09

and I grieved them heavier than most people that I've lost, except for your father. And then I lost Tristan, and I was like, "Oh, fuck!"

 

LaVonna  40:19

right.

 

Sharmane Fury  40:19

This is so much worse.

 

LaVonna  40:20

So much worse.

 

Sharmane Fury  40:22

So much worse. That being said, I've lost three cats since Tristan died, and that sucks too. And two of them were eight days apart, and that sucked. You know, so I was not prepared for any of this, and even now, like I'm surprised about what I can comfortably talk about, like that it's not so intense. I think I'm going to die in the middle of the conversation, like I did in the beginning. I think I've hit some. I hit all of the major milestones right away. Tristan died on the 30th of November. My birthday is December 3. I had my first birthday after he died immediately.

 

LaVonna  41:09

Immediately.

 

Sharmane Fury  41:10

We were always the same age, except for one month because I was a month older than him, and so I left him behind at 45 real quick. Three days later, and then a month later was his first birthday since we were together.

 

LaVonna  41:24

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  41:25

Uh since he died, and then our anniversary is February 2nd. So I had our first anniversary right away, and at the end of that month, Revan died, a 17-year-old cat. And then eight days later, in March, Rain died, and then 15 days later, I came back to the United States because you know I was living in Mexico at the time. And then just recently, a couple months ago, I lost Kreia. So in in the two and a half years since Tristan died, I've lost three cats of ours, our little family, and there's one left that I'm clinging on to dear life because when he goes, that's the end of my my Tristan's you know little family, and I've I've since hit the anniversary of his death twice. You know I've had three birthdays, three of his birthdays, three anniversaries since he died because mine hit so quick at the beginning, that I had to deal like milestone after milestone of grief that I didn't even get chance to like scab up before, like

 

LaVonna  42:32

No

 

Sharmane Fury  42:33

create a what's that thing called on your feet, a

 

LaVonna  42:38

Callus.

 

Sharmane Fury  42:38

A callus. So like I didn't have a time to put a callus on the grief because it was coming 1-1-1 after another, and I so yeah every time something like that was happening, I thought I was gonna die every you know the anniversary the birthdays. Now I know they're not gonna kill me, but I'm still surprised I made it out of that first year, and that is one grief statistic. I always knew was that like within two years, a lot of people. Well, actually, it's two statistics. One is within four months of a partner dying. There are a lot of people that die four months after their partner, usually men, but and then within two years is usually a mark. The the four months is usually related to suicide.

 

LaVonna  43:29

I was gonna say.

 

Sharmane Fury  43:30

The two year mark is, I don't know, I like literally dying of a broken heart. I think

 

LaVonna  43:37

that's a real.

 

Sharmane Fury  43:38

The two year mark is another big one, and I had known those before. So when those were coming up, those were creeping up on me. Also, like, am I gonna pass the four month? Am I gonna pass the two the two year? And so now I feel like I know I'm gonna pass all these dates.

 

LaVonna  43:55

I didn't know about those statistics, but that explains my dark, because those first four months-that's that was an opportunity for me. I struggle with depression as well. I've used the hotline a couple of times myself. So, my mother and my aunt, the people who know about that part of me, had real concerns over that first window, but I didn't know there was a number to back it up.

 

Sharmane Fury  44:24

Yeah, I don't remember what the

 

LaVonna  44:27

or studies,

 

Sharmane Fury  44:27

but there's studies. Yeah, yeah, studies. I I remember telling certain people, like people that I I know that if if I ever died of by suicide that they would know that wasn't a thing that I would do. I never, I've never had suicidal ideation.

 

LaVonna  44:49

Well, no, I have thoughts. Go ahead.

 

Sharmane Fury  44:52

But I was always surprised I was waking up every day. I literally thought I was going to die from the pain of grief, and so every morning I woke up, I was surprised. And I remember telling some of the closer people that kind of knew I, because we'd had conversations maybe about suicide or whatever. I would say like, I don't think I ever could. Like, I just don't think it's. I never had the thought about it, or I don't think I can hurt myself. I'm such a little, yeah, I'm a little bitch about hurting myself and stuff like that. So, like, I don't think I can do it. And I, if I can't fall asleep and not wake up, that's not that's I don't want it, you know.

 

LaVonna  45:36

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  45:37

And so I was like, if anything happens in the first four months, that would probably be the only time that that was ever going to be a possibility, but it really, really wasn't. And now, I I had also thought like, if I'm going to keep being this sad and I cross, I started doing stuff like um, make it one year.

 

LaVonna  45:59

Gotcha.

 

Sharmane Fury  46:00

Anybody could try to get to one year, make it two years. I no longer have to do that. But in the beginning, I was thinking like, you know, Oregon or the Netherlands are places that have assisted. You know, that is legal, and I would I could do that because I'd be like, just pull me to sleep, please. Yeah,

 

LaVonna  46:15

Yeah, control.

 

Sharmane Fury  46:16

So, I kept saying like, if I still feel like this this heavy in a year, right,

 

LaVonna  46:20

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  46:20

Two years, five years, and I think I remember giving myself the five-year mark as like, if I can't figure out a life by the five-year mark, it might as well just, and if all the cats are dead by then too, like yeah, I gotta stick it out at least as long as they stick it out, kind of a thing. I don't think I feel like that anymore, but this is a long damn life ahead of me potentially, because the the women in my life live long time, way too fucking long. Both of my grandmothers are like 94-95, My great grandparents. I knew three of my great grandparents, you know, and into adulthood, like I was in my 20s when my last great grandparent that I grew up knowing-that's

 

LaVonna  47:12

Incredible.

 

Sharmane Fury  47:14

So that's when I'm staring down the barrel of

 

LaVonna  47:16

right,

 

Sharmane Fury  47:17

and Tristan always knew he was going to go early, but we were thinking 65. The men in his family don't last very long. All heart things, and so we always had conversations about that because it was like, be prepared. You're gonna you're gonna be alone eventually, and even the day that he died, I think I told you this. I don't know if I did. He was injured at the time, so he was in bed, and we were having a conversation about life and death and stuff like that. And I said to him something I used to say to him a lot, which is, "You can't make me a widow before I'm 50. I said that the day he died, and he said, "I'll try. And two hours later, he was dead. I remember both being upset about that and laughing hysterically while crying.

 

LaVonna  48:15

Right, right, right.

 

Sharmane Fury  48:16

In the emergency, like in the waiting area.

 

LaVonna  48:20

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  48:21

and so I knew he was-he would go earlier than me. I just-we were thinking in the 60s. We weren't thinking in the 40s, and I don't turn 50 until next year. So he-he fucked up. He didn't.

 

LaVonna  48:40

Yeah, straight up.

 

Sharmane Fury  48:41

He didn't do it right. He didn't do it right. But yeah, I don't. Those were the only things I think I knew about grief of a partner, loss of a partner, is four months and two two years.

 

LaVonna  48:56

Wow.

 

Sharmane Fury  48:57

And I'm like now I think about like by the time his social security is available to me, if that system still exists, would be 20 years because he was 45 when he died, and 40 we were 45 when he died, and 65 is when it becomes available.

 

LaVonna  49:13

Right.

 

Sharmane Fury  49:14

I would have to be grieving this motherfucker for 20 years before whatever he's paid into the system could help support me. That's insane.

 

LaVonna  49:24

Isn't wild? Got to make it.

 

Sharmane Fury  49:27

Yeah, and I'd be like, he would want me to make it just so that the government wouldn't keep on.

 

LaVonna  49:35

Yep.

 

Sharmane Fury  49:36

Like you got to stick out. Sorry, I left me early, but you got to stick it out. You got to get all that shit.

 

LaVonna  49:42

back for real.

 

Sharmane Fury  49:43

So, I've always joked that I was gonna live to 103, and then when he died, I'd be like, "Man, I hope, man, I hope I don't live to 103. But it's possible,

 

LaVonna  49:55

Right?

 

Sharmane Fury  49:56

It's possible in my family's life, so that's stressful. I I will live the whole time we were together.

 

LaVonna  50:04

without

 

Sharmane Fury  50:06

possibly twice

 

LaVonna  50:09

even, I didn't even think about that.

 

Sharmane Fury  50:11

If I live into my 90s, it would be two times the amount of relationship I had. I don't like that one bit. Incredible! I don't want that at all. But I don't know. I don't know. What do you do about it? What do you do if you're not? If you don't have suicidal ideation, the next.

 

LaVonna  50:34

I want to go back to that though with my dad, because like we talked before, we turned on the camera about and and we put it in our our intro, "sudden and unexpected." I expected my dad to die in in the 90s, early 90s, when he got cancer. He thought he was going to go too.

 

Sharmane Fury  50:54

Right.

 

LaVonna  50:54

So everything that I had of him after he beat cancer was bonus.

 

Sharmane Fury  51:01

Bonus, yeah.

 

LaVonna  51:03

You know, and and I knew the day would come. It was why I would I would travel so much to Sacramento from Phoenix. It's why I harassed him on the phone all the time. It's why I showed up. It's why I bothered them so much. Like I stayed in his ear because I I I expected it to happen. You know, he had health issues after

 

Sharmane Fury  51:24

the big accident too.

 

LaVonna  51:26

Big accident almost took him out again.

 

Sharmane Fury  51:30

That was the first time I was aware someone as big as that man,

 

LaVonna  51:36

Goodness.

 

Sharmane Fury  51:37

could like people who don't know us. Don't understand that Uncle Buzz was not just a big personality.

 

LaVonna  51:47

He was a giant.

 

Sharmane Fury  51:48

He was a literal giant, like six eight something

 

LaVonna  51:52

Six-seven. But he looked seven feet tall. Just his stature, his persona, the way he carried himself.

 

Sharmane Fury  51:57

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  51:57

But yeah, six seven on record, size 18 shoe, just hands, just physically massive.

 

Sharmane Fury  52:03

That's why that picture of him and I are so ridiculous. Is because I'm at his maybe belly button. His whole head is above him. Like he's able to crouch down just to be in the image, right? So like that was the first time that I realized, like, he is massive, and if he disappears, that is a big chunk of this planet's existence that goes with him.

 

LaVonna  52:33

Right, right.

 

Sharmane Fury  52:35

So you had to multiple times think this is it. This is it.

 

LaVonna  52:39

This is it. Yeah, and so and then not so sudden. It was kind of a slow draw. I kind of had a feeling, you know, on hindsight. Trista would call it confirmation bias. Yeah, some of our conversations.

 

Sharmane Fury  52:55

 He was a philosopher and logistian, so.

 

LaVonna  52:58

Oh, big time. He used to challenge my every whimsical thought.

 

Sharmane Fury  53:02

Try, yeah. Try to be married to that. Try to have marriage arguments to that shit. Infuriating.

 

LaVonna  53:13

Oh my gosh. Yeah, Tree's dope. Oh my goodness. But we had some good conversations, like the three of us on the phone, me, you, and him. But yeah, so so the the the losing a day to day, like

 

Sharmane Fury  53:31

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  53:32

it was palpable. Like I could I could feel outside of me the loss of him. Like I I just felt like when Bret died, my body just kept looking for it.

 

Sharmane Fury  53:44

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  53:45

Like looking like there's a part of me like reaching out for feedback that's not coming back.

 

Sharmane Fury  53:51

That's actually something I read after was that your brain is so wired and programmed for the presence of the certain people that are in your life that when they disappear, it's like a Wi-Fi signal looking for the route, like or a router looking for the Wi-Fi signal or something like that.

 

LaVonna  54:06

Totally.

 

Sharmane Fury  54:07

and months and months after, my dial-up is slow as shit because he's not here yet. You know, yeah,

 

LaVonna  54:17

Yeah, no, that that's I'm glad that there's words for that too, and that we're and that we're saying that here for other people because you're you will you will seek him you seek them out that whether it be by habit by function like brushing my teeth and oh you know this trick that I used to play with myself oh my gosh just because I'm remembering it now. Whenever I would go into the bathroom, because it was a closed little door and it was just the toilet, it's like if I think hard enough, he's just sitting right there on the bed when I come out. Like, and I would just have this moment, like for right now, I'm just gonna imagine that he's right there, and I'll let that. Be you know, and then I'll and then I'll like actively like touch the wall to see if my finger would go through it.

 

Sharmane Fury  55:09

Yeah.

 

LaVonna  55:10

Like let this be the matrix. I can handle the matrix. Right. wawawawa

 

Sharmane Fury  55:14

I can feel that. I can definitely.

 

LaVonna  55:17

And I step out, and he's just sitting there like, "What took you so long?" And I was like, just wanting to make sure you were here when I came out, you know.

 

Sharmane Fury  55:23

Yeah

 

LaVonna  55:24

But I would have those moments when I was in a room or in the closet, like, and just stop and like, oh, he's just right there.

 

LaVonna  55:34

When I walk out this door, he's gonna be sitting there smiling at me, you know, and then snap out of it, touch the wall, and then move forward, but

 

Sharmane Fury  55:41

yeah,

 

LaVonna  55:42

seeking him is is major, a major part,

 

Sharmane Fury  55:47

Especially because you're still living in the house that I am. You had, you know,

 

LaVonna  55:52

I am.

 

Sharmane Fury  55:52

I left our house four months after, and it wasn't even like our house, right? We were only there for a few months, living in Mexico before. Gotten

 

LaVonna  56:00

there, yeah. So

 

Sharmane Fury  56:01

I don't have like where I live now. I don't have a room that he used to be in. You know, I just have stuff he used to touch. That's you know, that's what I got.

 

LaVonna  56:10

The things he used to touch.

 

Sharmane Fury  56:12

The only place I can revisit is like when I lived with Shae for that year after Tristan died. He'd been in that house before. He never stayed there, but he'd been there, so I could picture him in the backyard playing with the dogs. You know what I'm saying? Like

 

LaVonna  56:26

that's real.

 

Sharmane Fury  56:27

And now they've sold that house too, so I can't go back there either. Yeah, short of going back to your house, God, I just realized that in terms of the houses that I have access to, that he and I ever was in, there's yours, your family's house, and our friends in Austin, Texas, that we used to hang out with because they still have that house. So those are the two houses that I could go, and he would have been somewhere in that space. Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  57:02

but everything else is gone.

 

LaVonna  57:04

That's something

 

Sharmane Fury  57:05

you know. I almost looked at trying to get back our old apartment in LA when I was first deciding to move, and be like, if I remember telling myself, if apartment 132 is open,

 

LaVonna  57:15

man, I hear you. That's where your your podcast started, isn't it? That's

 

Sharmane Fury  57:21

where the podcast started. Yeah, a lot of life happened in that. Yeah, we went through the pandemic in that space. Yeah,

 

LaVonna  57:27

that was a neat time.

 

Sharmane Fury  57:29

Yeah, I mean the apartment was,

 

LaVonna  57:32

yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  57:33

suck, but it was home, like it more so than a lot of places. I actually even looked up our house that we owned in Austin to see how much it cost.

 

LaVonna  57:43

Okay,

 

Sharmane Fury  57:44

I was really chasing it in the beginning.

 

LaVonna  57:46

Yeah,

 

Sharmane Fury  57:47

I mean now I'm glad I didn't make such a crazy decision. But you imagine me living in Austin just because that was the house, like,

 

LaVonna  57:56

Like dang, I'm here.

 

Sharmane Fury  57:58

Yeah, like I moved to Texas voluntarily with consent, yeah, that's so ridiculous. Yeah, the present stuff is tough. I don't want. I know we could. We're gonna be talking about this stuff.

 

LaVonna  58:15

Yeah, we for sure.

 

Sharmane Fury  58:16

That's what we're doing here. But we're we're creeping up on an hour, so I think it's a good time to.

 

LaVonna  58:22

 Is that right? Look at that.

 

Sharmane Fury  58:24

I told you. I told you. There's going to be a period of time that you just forget. You're just having a conversation. That's it. So we haven't. We don't have the formula yet. We're still. We're just two friends that are both grieving. That are talking about our partners. I had no idea I was gonna cry as much as I did today. I knew I was gonna tear up, but I didn't realize it was gonna be proper tears. I didn't know that your thing was gonna make me cry either. God damn it! But that-that is what it is. So follow along with us, and as grieving goes, sometimes we can't do shit. So if there's ever a gap,

 

LaVonna  59:06

Right?

 

Sharmane Fury  59:06

I call it a widow day. Like if I don't show up at something I'm expected, I'll be like, I'm having a widow day.

 

LaVonna  59:12

I like that. I just bad day. Sad day today. Look, look, because because I'm happy and sad, right? I'm like, yeah, I'm good, but no, I'm I'm laying down today.

 

Sharmane Fury  59:22

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes it's not like a desperately sad bed day. Sometimes it's just a sad bed day. Yeah, right. Or not even a happy happy sad bed day. Not a dramatic bed day. I guess is what I want to say.

 

LaVonna  59:37

 Right, right. We're not folded up, but we're yeah able.

 

Sharmane Fury  59:41

Yeah,

 

LaVonna  59:42

yeah.

 

Sharmane Fury  59:42

So with that being said, I don't have a closer yet.

 

LaVonna  59:46

We'll work on it.

 

Sharmane Fury  59:48

Yeah, we'll we'll figure that out on the next one. But thank you for joining us, and feel free to mention in the comments any topics related to grief that you would like us to talk about, questions that you might have, and. We will do our best to address those things on future episodes. Absolutely. Bye, y'all. Bye. Thanks.